We’re not into cancel culture at all. That said, after making it through the first month of 2020, we’ve realized there are some folks we wouldn’t mind having left behind in 2019. Not in a mean or nasty way, but as a Willy Wonka-esque gift full of magic and whimsy. Because 2019 was the year these tragically influential people were peaking, wriggling atop the slag heap of cultural persuasion like squishy earthworms of influence. But come on, it’s 2020 now. Time to do better. And what better send-off is there for these movers and shakers than a repeat of their greatest year? So put the champagne on ice one more time and prepare the canons as we wish these eight influential people bon voyage on their journey back to yesteryear.
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People we cant stand 2019
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Justin Bieber
We had hoped against hope that the young crooner had hung up his spurs for a quiet life in the country, but with the release of his new documentary series, it's clear that the Biebs is back with a vengeance. Even though it's 2020, we didn't see that coming.
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Billionaires
We don't want to single anybody out here (Jeff Bezos), but nobody likes a billionaire. Except for maybe a multi-millionaire who's a bridge loan away from joining the club.
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Hillary Clinton
We would welcome her into 2020 if she wasn't so busy living in the past. Which reminds us: why are so many terrible documentary series coming out all of a sudden? Remind the future not to carry those over into next year.
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Mark Zuckerberg
Facebook has hired Fox News veteran Jennifer Williams to run its editorial video strategy, just in time for an election year, too. Time to put Facebook in the rearview.
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Influencers
One day we'll all look back and laugh about the time we once sold our souls to the internet. Or maybe we'll cry. Time will tell.
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Lil Nas X
You know pop music is dead when the biggest hit of the year came from a Tik-Tok dude who doesn't know how to sing, dance, or play an instrument. What's more, music is rolling over in its grave as Billy Ray Cyrus somehow becomes the secret sauce the song was missing. We're putting on our walking shoes and leaving this musical one-horse town.
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Jeremy Clarkson
Popular with the aging British jet set and car aficionados, this upper crust Englishman has been influencing minds for over a decade. But last year, between his bashing of Greta Thunberg and the release of a new show called Seamen, we're pretty sure Jeremy Clarkson no longer has a clue.
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Trump and Putin Twofer
The entire Russian parliament just quit after Vladimir Putin began making changes to his country's laws that would help him retain power after his presidential term ends in 2024. On the flip side, Donald Trump makes Vladimir Putin look handsome, which is something that gives the future the heebie-jeebies. Let's not give the future the heebie-jeebies. It's time for a complete changing of the guard.
