Robert Pattinson’s Batman is a true detective story. But while it reveals secrets about the Riddler, Penguin, and Gotham itself, it leaves one mystery hidden from view. How does The Batman get ready for bed?
Comic book fans demand answers, and yet we’re met with questions. Does he floss? Who’s the last person he texts before turning out the light? Does he sleep in the buff or monogrammed pajamas? No one knows. Because Bruce Wayne’s bedtime routine is the real secret he’s been hiding all these years. (Probably because it’s X-Rated.)
Outsnooping one of the greatest sleuths in history was no easy feat. But we managed to get the full scoop using an English butler and two empty bottles of peach schnapps.
Buckle up because it’s bedtime for Batman.
Cover Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures
Batman Bedtime Routine
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First, He Chugs A Bottle Of Liquid CBD
Before his nighttime routine can officially begin, Bats must deal with all his crime-fighting bumps, bruises, and stab wounds from earlier in the night, which after about 40 ounces of experimental-grade CBD, melt away like pig fat in a frying pan.
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Then, Bruce Dances
But not like an ordinary man. Because there's no music playing. It's just him in a darkened room wiggling his limbs in complete silence until the song in his head is over.
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Next Comes The Carbo Loading
After getting a decent sweat on, Bruce guilt-eats 5,000 calories of straight carbs. Sometimes in the form of cake. He often hires local vagrants to binge-eat with him under the guise of it being his birthday.
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Then He Nods Off Briefly On The Settee
With his hired cake-eaters looking on, he collapses in a heap on the antique settee. (Because even Bats can't withstand the powerful urge to sleep after eating an entire cake and three baguettes.)
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Onto His Nightly Sponge Bath
Having scattered the vagrants, Alfred wakes Master Wayne from his bat nap using the floral scents of a freshly-drawn bath. Whereupon the aging butler sponges him clean.
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Still Feeling The Grime of Gotham City, Bruce Gets Four Haircuts
Most people are surprised to hear that Bruce Wayne has a touch of OCD, which is weird since we all know the guy has a closet full of matching bat suits.
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Cleansed And Styled, He Lays Down In Bed To Wallow
When it's time for lights out, Bruce has trouble falling asleep. He can't stop reliving that fateful night at the opera when he thought he had fifth-row seats but they ended up being mezzanine.
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Fighting The Dark Thoughts Of Insomnia, He Binge-Watches YouTube Videos Of Bats
You'd be surprised just how many videos of bats you can find on the internet while waiting for Catwoman to not text you back.
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Wide Awake, He Yells At His Pillows
After an hour of bats, Bruce yells at his pillows for 20 minutes, before punching one in the face.
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Finally, He Rubs One Out
Because this is Robert Pattinson's Batman we're talking about here, the caped crusader has one last job to do before he can truly call it a night. With anger momentarily abated, he finally closes his eyes to greet the nightmares that await his troubled sleep every night for all eternity. Night night, Bruce.
