The Music We All Admittedly Lost Our Virginity to (And Are Not Proud of)

In order to enhance the mood and eliminate the awkwardness that comes with losing your virginity, many people choose to play music. But this strategy isn’t always fail-safe. Sometimes we wind up making the situation even more awkward.

Nowadays, if you stream music, your partner might be too cheap to subscribe to Spotify and you’re stuck hearing ads about ED while rounding third base. Worse still, you ask Alexa to play the wrong playlist and you’re stuck hearing a random playlist you made whilst high. There are many reasons why losing your virginity to the wrong track can absolutely devastate your outlook on sex.

As for us, well, we lost our virginity back in the old days, when you had to spin a CD or turn on the radio. That means we heard some really awful earworms during what should have been the happiest day of our lives. We aren’t proud to admit it, but we will share some of those first-time tunes in the interest of making you laugh.

1. Coldplay (Any Song)

Ugh, Coldplay’s lead singer Chris Martin’s singing is such a category 5 disaster. When he’s not whining while singing in the vein of a baby with colic, he’s crapping out generic lyrics that make Greg Brady’s tunes look like Jim Morrison. The sound of Chris Martin’s voice is an instant flaccid moment or one of total dryness, so it’s truly a wonder that anyone was able to successfully lose their virginity to Coldplay.

2. Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”

If you’re an elder millennial or Xenennial, every teenage girl in 1997-1998 was obsessed with James Cameron’s Titanic. Worse yet, you literally could not get into a car with any of them without being forced to endure Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On,” the film’s main score. By the third chorus, you were wishing you were among the many passengers who sunk into the frigid waters. Adding insult to injury, the girl you were with was pretending it was Leo Dicaprio taking her virginity and not you.

3. Randy Newman’s “You Got A Friend In Me”

If you’re a ’90s kid, then Disney’s Toy Story was a very important part of your childhood. Even though the franchise is now more oversaturated than Will Smith memes, there’s just something magical about the original release. But the animated film’s main song, “You Got a Friend In Me,” isn’t the first song that comes to mind when getting down. A playlist doesn’t go Nick Cave, Portishead, and then Randy Newman. His voice is not the pinnacle of sexy.

Sara McLachlan’s “Angel”

To be fair, most people probably didn’t think Sarah McLachlan’s Angel would go on to be the anthem for abused dogs and making us ugly cry no matter the situation. But it’s really hard to imagine how anyone could’ve lost their virginity to this track knowing what we know now.

5. Semisonic’s “Closing Time”

This song was everywhere in the late ’90s, so chances are it was playing in your bedroom festooned with posters. Surely, you regret it now.

6. Oasis’ “Wonderwall”

No greater theme typified much of the late ’90s than this gem from Oasis. But in hindsight, you probably thought you were this deep and emotional being when losing your virginity to this track. Spoiler alert: you were just one of many other clowns thinking the very same thing.

7. Marilyn Manson’s  “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)”

Another hugely popular act from the ’90s that doesn’t age well. If you have been following all the icky details of Marilyn Manson’s torture of actress Evan Rachel Wood, then you’ll deeply regret losing your virginity to this track knowing who made it.

8. Plain White Ts’ “Hey There Delilah”

Emo pretty much dominated most of the early to mid-200os and that included this self-indulgent yank fest of the highest order. The dreary and drab acoustic playing is enough to send you looking for the nearest wobbly chair and 6 feet of rope, but the infantile and pseudo-emotional lyrics just make you wish an asteroid would hit the planet. That said, chances are you might have lost your virginity to this song and now deeply regret it.

Cover Photo: Jupiterimages (Getty Images)