Could Decemberists frontman Colin Meloy be the perfect narrator for the ongoing clusterfuck of armed camouflaged Mormon outbackers who took over a federal wildlife refuge in eastern Oregon? Apparently so, as the Portland-based musician and author of the “Wildwood” chronicles has found a new niche: poking fun at the militia standoff near Burns with homoerotic fan fiction.
With a large number of weapons and violent anti-government rhetoric, Ammon Bundy and his group of militants domestic terrorists (here’s a definition for doubters) took over a closed wildlife refuge’s visitor center on Jan. 3. The protestors then broke into a federal building on the refuge and refused to leave, with members of this terrorist outfit setting up a roadblock and two of their armed men manning a nearby guard tower. This act was in protest of the “tyranny” of the federal government, who they believe should turn over federal-owned land to the local ranchers, loggers, and miners of Oregon. These armed men stated, “they’re willing to kill and be killed if necessary” and “would not rule out violence if police tried to remove them”.
The nation’s attention has turned to the fact that authorities have done virtually nothing to stop white, armed protesters threatening violence on federal property – only months after a fully militarized response to peaceful unarmed protests in Ferguson conducted by a mostly-black community.
But on Tuesday night, Meloy took his own shot at the overtly stoic, gun-obsessed flannel masculinity of the Bundy outfit, tweeted the first line of what he is calling #BundyEroticFanFic. And the results have been spectacular.
“They huddled together for warmth. The cold of Ammon’s Ruger 22 against Brian’s naked thigh sent a thrill up his spine.” #bundyeroticfanfic
— colin meloy (@colinmeloy) January 6, 2016
Meloy offered another gem before opening up the tale to his followers, who seized on the opportunity to add their own 140-character chapters with gusto in what may as well eventually be called “Brokeback Bird Refuge.”
“Jason pressed Jed against a rack of “Birds of Oregon” books; his breath was sweet with jerky. Somewhere, an egret cried” #bundyeroticfanfic
— colin meloy (@colinmeloy) January 6, 2016
@colinmeloy “…all thoughts of Tactical Bacon were, for the moment, set aside.” #bundyeroticfanfic pic.twitter.com/R0RGKs5s8p
— Lawrence Nichols (@LRNichols) January 6, 2016
It was a tangled orgy of Velcro, cowboy hats, and unsullied Carharts. And that’s when Jeb saw Joe’s 9MM. All 9MM of it. #bundyeroticfanfic
— Stefan Douglas (@ForestKing5280) January 6, 2016
“Cliven, the proud patriarch, sent Ammon & Ryan his Gratitude. Gratitude, the family goat, was never the same again.” #bundyeroticfanfic
— Stefan Douglas (@ForestKing5280) January 6, 2016
@colinmeloy He was worried at first it wouldn’t fit, but his brother sweetly assured him, “Gauge is just a number.” #bundyeroticfanfic
— Eric Swanson (@genericswanson) January 6, 2016
They spooned on the camo sleeping bag. Zeke playfully tousled Ted’s hair while he read aloud from the field guide (1/2) #bundyeroticfanfic
— colin meloy (@colinmeloy) January 6, 2016
“Bittern. Chukar. Whimbrel. Black-capped chickadee.” Their Bushmasters lay by their side in the veiled moonlight. #bundyeroticfanfic (2/2)
— colin meloy (@colinmeloy) January 6, 2016
If only Heath Ledger were still around, we could get a full proper spoof video going. Whatever the case, some in the terrorist group are already expressing a desire to leave their useless little cause.
