Peter Crouch appears to be having a whale of a time in Ibiza, with the Stroke striker and former England international having been filmed dancing like a man who has only just learned how to operate his arms and legs in unison.
The video, recorded by a fellow reveler on the Balearic island, shows Crouch doing the running man while towering above everyone else like a smashed Treebeard (out-of-his-Treebeard?), with wife Abbey Clancy filmed recording his moves for posterity. There’s a lot to parse here, so let’s break down this truly wonderful video into time-stamps.
0:03: Crouch attempts to row through thin air, before inevitably realising that he isn’t on a boat and is actually a professional footballer off his tits in Ibiza.
0:08: He goes for a pirouette, forgetting that he is the tallest man in the world and as such this action couldpotentially incite a small tornado, effectively risking the well-being of those surrounding him.
0:13: He begins shaking his head from side-to-side vigorously, as though his entire skull has been consumed by house music.
0:23: After giving up on wiggling his arse, he then attempts to literally pick up a nearby woman by her armpits as though she is a tiny baby which, given Crouch’s immense height, he may well have thought that was the case. He was therefore perhaps doing the responsible adult thing, by recognising that a baby doesn’t belong in a festival in Ibiza and promptly attempting to remove her from the event. Unfortunately, the baby was actually a fully grown adult woman, so he just stumbles around for a bit and then starts awkwardly clapping.
0:34: He starts simulating shagging the air while holding up peace signs, before the baby-woman says something to him and he stumbles away into the darkness, like a crane fly desperately trying to escape through a window that isn’t there.
Watch the video below, and consider how these 41 seconds will likely be more entertaining than the entirety of the current England squad’s Euro 2016 campaign. We miss you, you glorious, massive man.
