Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
[returns from Costco] “Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?” “Of course not babe” *stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
– Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) January 3, 2015
when you have to fake laugh out of politeness, consider adding, “ahhh it feels good to finally laugh again”
– tara shoe (@tarashoe) December 8, 2014
Life is like Netflix: if you completely eliminate your standards, there’s more to enjoy.
– Elle O15 Hell (@ElleOhHell) January 4, 2015
At what point do you tell your 27 ex-boyfriends they need to get their own netflix accounts?
– Janel SantaCruz (@JanelSantaCruz) December 23, 2014
Me: Is there a place to get pizza around here? Girl who has been to Europe: I have been to Europe
– shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) January 5, 2015
Yes, Facebook, I want to connect with someone who tried to throw a chair at my head in 9th grade.
– Trevor S (@trevso_electric) January 7, 2015
Please. My wife. She’s very sick. pic.twitter.com/QGKgSSbXa5
– lanyard (@lanyardigan) January 3, 2015
no one ever talks about how excited the lobsters on the Titanic were
– blopt (@blopt) January 5, 2015
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
– Glenn (@justabloodygame) October 1, 2014
if you hold an empty Monster can up to your ear you can hear the ocean ft. Pitbull
– Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) December 14, 2014
Knock Knock “Who’s there?” To “To who?” To *whom
– Vsauce (@tweetsauce) January 4, 2015
Pretty glad most animals can’t talk since it seems like the ones that can won’t shut the fuck up about car insurance.
– Jake Currie (@jakecurrie) December 3, 2014
MY ANACONDA: Can I get a double cheeseburger? “Sure, but we’re out of buns. Do you want that over lettuce?” MY ANACONDA: I don’t want none
– philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) January 2, 2015
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
– dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 14, 2014
“So did you get lucky last night?” You better believe it! [flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]
– Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) January 3, 2015
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
– viney (@vineyille) January 4, 2015
“Hey, maybe our dogs should stop having sex for a minute” – no one in 101 Dalmatians apparently
– Michael (@Home_Halfway) January 5, 2015
[gets married] “i can’t wait to ruin each other’s lives”
– EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) January 4, 2015
What do you get the hypochondriac who thinks he has everything?
– matt (@shadygrenade) December 30, 2014
The cast of Friends: Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, Chandler, Rachel, and Rachel’s nipples.
– Laura (@LauraLikesWine) January 5, 2015
Need more? Check out the 100 Funniest Tweets of 2014.
