Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
It’s acceptable to ask a groundhog about the weather, but when I ask an opposom about my lottery numbers I’m “a freak”
– Yael (@elle91) February 2, 2015
[with mouth full of Pop Rocks] “A DIVORCE?”
– Matt (@matt___nelson) January 28, 2015
If children wrote fairy tales the word ‘once’ would be awkwardly repeated 37 times before ‘upon’ even saw light.
– Amanda Mancino (@Manda_like_wine) February 2, 2015
Gabi really took it up a notch pic.twitter.com/uRUf4T4VKs
– shelby fero (@shelbyfero) February 1, 2015
You know you haven’t gotten laid in a long time when you walk in on your parents and just feel jealous.
– Harrison Ford (@MariaElizabest) February 2, 2015
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7’s meth addiction had spiralled out of control recently, leaving him unpredictable and extremely violent.
– Jazmasta (@jazmasta) February 2, 2015
“How’s Mason doing?” Ugh, he’s going through this emu kid phase. “Don’t you mean emo kid?” *boy covered in feathers runs past* I wish.
– Dan Grubb (@SenatorBigfoot) January 30, 2015
Look at him laughing as the thing leaps to its death pic.twitter.com/9s2LCq6vzS
– Ristolable (@Ristolable) February 2, 2015
magician: “think of a letter, any letter” me: “ok” magician: “now double it” me: [visibly confused]
– k e e t (@KeetPotato) February 2, 2015
“That’ll be $19.94.” *pulls out $50 bill* “Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?” *pulls out $25 bill*
– Blind Chow (@BlindChow) February 1, 2015
Flirting pic.twitter.com/3xrgTsTx2J
– Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) February 1, 2015
[on a rollercoaster with my cat] Me: Are you having fun, buddy? Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
– Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 21, 2015
How long after someone doesn’t reply to a text before you realize they hate you like 2 minutes, right.
– mjkspeaks (@mjkspeaks) February 2, 2015
“I’ll take communication for 300 Alex” -what u give someone so they can call u “what is ur phone number” -haha I’m sorry but we just met
– Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) February 2, 2015
Parent: “Don’t forget to wear a helmet.” Kid: “Uhh, you didn’t even get me vaccinated.” Parent: “You’re right. Do whatever. Take this gin.”
– Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) February 2, 2015
canada fact: only the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th and 11th prime ministers were called prime ministers. the rest were just called ministers
– Brent (@murrman5) January 30, 2015
50 Shades of Gray is a movie based on the first 10 minutes of a porn you usually fast forward through.
– Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 2, 2015
[bottom of well] KID: [takes selfie. posts w/ caption “trapped down well, lol #injured“] [elsewhere] LASSIE: [hits ‘like’. gets on with day]
– Joe West (@joejwest) January 30, 2015
I’ve been on day 1 of eating healthy since 1991.
– andy lassner (@andylassner) February 2, 2015
[calls insurance company] progressive, how can i hel- “can i talk to flo?” um sir she’s not real [long pause] “can i talk to yr manager?”
– DOWN WITH THE SHIP (@avxlanche) February 1, 2015
Even more hilarious tweets can be found right here.
