Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
This is the best Obama correction you will read this weekend. http://t.co/GuGJNooz7m pic.twitter.com/HvCHU7jxGv
– Chris Cillizza (@TheFix) February 15, 2015
50 Shades Of Grey deleted scene: What do you want me to do? “Twist it” Mmm ok “Pull it” Oooo kinky “Bop it” Wait what
– Mark (@Quadricycle) February 12, 2015
A DOG JUST CHEWED THROUGH HER LEASH AND RAN THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY AND NOW I BELIEVE AGAIN
– Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 8, 2015
Was brainstorming ways to defeat ISIS (as I do), got excited about an idea, then realized my idea was literally Iron Man.
– Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) February 10, 2015
I put “Dr.” before my signature on anything I ever sign and I’ve never been questioned about it
– Hot Dog Wiener (@googleymoogley) February 13, 2015
the frenemy of my enefriend is my frenendemiend
– Ben (@UniqueDude2) January 2, 2015
“Ok welcome to ask stupid questions club. Any questions?” Is this ask stupid questions club? “You’re now the leader of this club” What club?
– Cocaine Cola (@SatansTongue) February 2, 2015
-What should we name this creature w/ big feet? “Bigfoot” -And this w/ saber teeth? “Sabertooth” -And this beaverduck? “Platypus” -wtf dude
– ibid (@ibid78) February 13, 2015
“in case of emergency we ask you to please literally rip the entire door off the hinges then get the hell out” pic.twitter.com/hXmdebqsxJ
– EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) February 16, 2015
One thing I can’t figure out is if successful rappers are doing well financially.
– jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) February 14, 2015
There’s a reason it’s called love at first sight and not love at first talk.
– Shawn Hatosy (@ShawnHatosy) February 13, 2015
“Uh, sir, do you want to rethink that acronym at all?” “Do you want to get the fuck out of my office?” pic.twitter.com/XBHc6YHXi8
– Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) February 6, 2015
[grandpa voice] In my day there was only one shade of grey. [hands you a newspaper]
– OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 15, 2015
BBC News captioner really on fire today pic.twitter.com/ErXgfu7rpc
– Chris Adams (@ChrisA) February 13, 2015
You’ve seen me do a lot of complicated dance routines if anyone asks.
– Lady (@ladybroseph) February 6, 2015
I wish that at the end of Titanic it’s revealed that the old lady is a con artist.
– Jordan Peele (@JordanPeele) February 15, 2015
A time machine?! “That’s right. Step inside.” But where are we going? “Not where…when!” Oh you know what I fucking meant.
– Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) February 15, 2015
[1st date] Would you excuse me for a moment? *date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
– Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) February 13, 2015
My kids will never know the thrill of perfectly holding down the receiver button on a phone to quietly listen in on phone calls.
– Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) February 12, 2015
*pauses porn to get a good look at the girl’s eyeshadow*
– cloudypianos (@cloudypianos) February 16, 2015
The fun doesn’t have to end here. Click the link for even more funny tweets.
