Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
So Daredevil is blind and uses sonar to get around. Shouldn’t he have been called Batman? My nerd mind is blown.
– Mike Bobbitt (@offthemike) February 28, 2015
Ad: You like to save money, right? Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
– Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) February 26, 2015
*gets email* -Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?- *responds* “Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
– Bob Phillips (@BobTheSuit) March 1, 2015
Sorry I called animal control when I saw you eat a tomato like an apple.
– CJ Sullivan (@CJSullivan_) February 26, 2015
[intervention] SHAGGY:Like what’s up guys? VELMA: U need to stop using drugs SHAGGY:Let’s get outta here Scoob FRED:Scooby died 15 years ago
– pat tobin (@tastefactory) February 27, 2015
MUGGER: GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OR I’LL SHOOT YOU ME: *realize I won’t have to pay student loans back if I’m dead* MUGGER: jQuery19107950964511849951_1425324896880? ME: I’m thinking.
– jvk (@Jade_VK) February 24, 2015
Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle? -No, go fish.
– brandon from school (@peeznuts) January 26, 2015
made a spreadsheet of all the muppets I think fucked each other pic.twitter.com/zo39cyZcsy
– picnic (@ruinedpicnic) February 13, 2015
If someone tries to talk to me when I’m in my car, I will roll down every window except mine before I get it right.
– Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) February 25, 2015
Someday we’ll have a President with full sleeve tats and he’ll say words like rad and chill when describing our foreign policy.
– Aristotle Georgeson (@STOTLE) February 16, 2015
Book pitch: After my mom died & marriage failed, I didn’t go on an exotic trip or long ass hike I just had to continue my life & get thru it
– Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) February 25, 2015
Music boxes are like “Looking for your dead grandmother’s ring? Well let me play a tune that makes u think she’s standing right behind you”
– AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) February 24, 2015
yes I have “crushed it,” for you see in the act of doing something well, I destroy its very essence, so that it can never be as it was again
– (maura) (@behindyourback) February 28, 2015
No dude named Josh has ever confidently taken a drug test
– Eldge (@Sickayduh) August 21, 2014
Sorry I’m late, boss. It turns out that all of this *gestures grandly* is just a shared illusion. You, me, the McNugget drawer, all of it.
– Jason Miller (@longwall26) February 23, 2015
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed pic.twitter.com/cvKJ1zK4Mi
– Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) February 15, 2015
“Why is a good boy?” – dog philosopher
– philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) February 24, 2015
[job interview] Me: Time travel Boss: What is your biggest stren-WHAT?!
– Todd Williams (@TheToddWilliams) February 18, 2015
“What if instead of calling it Chappie we call it literally anything else?” — that one lone executive i know in my heart of hearts exists
– Brett Ryland (@brettryland) March 2, 2015
“I’m here to apply for a job as an Uber driver.” “Do you own a bottle of Axe body spray?” “Yes, It exploded in my car.” “You’re hired.”
– Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) February 21, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
