Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
“Phil, I mustache u a question. Get it? Cuz u have a mustache.” -I get it, Amy. I understand jokes. [Later] -Amy, I muffin top u a question.
– Dan O’Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) March 17, 2015
I don’t use Tinder. It’s crude and immature. I believe in meeting people face-to-face and tossing them to the left if I don’t like them.
– Trevor S (@trevso_electric) March 23, 2015
*devastates your grandma so bad in a rap battle that it becomes your super hero origin story*
– ibid (@ibid78) January 17, 2015
They can barely walk, but zombies on “The Walking Dead” are fuckin’ amazing at tearing apart perfectly healthy people with their bare hands.
– Mark Leggett (@markleggett) March 23, 2015
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
– nige [ham] (@koalaslament) March 11, 2015
Identity theft can happen to anyone Don’t be a victim Wear a mask when you’re interwebing pic.twitter.com/iNXbgDn9hh
– Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) March 20, 2015
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
– Ant Simpson (@antsimpson) August 4, 2014
There are teenagers smoking pot in this parking lot I am gonna chase them with a chainsaw I bet you they get so paranoid
– AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) March 5, 2015
Listening to “Spring Break Party Jams” on iTunes Radio while eating aged pistachios so I know a little something about getting “turnt up.”
– Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) March 23, 2015
Far as I can tell, like 90 percent of being an adult is getting mailed insurance forms you have no idea what to do with.
– Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 22, 2015
thomas the train’s genitals drag underneath him. very paintful. his life is hell. no i dont have a kid i just hang out at this playground
– Eli Terry (@EliTerry) March 15, 2015
Your password must contain one thing that will ultimately make you forget your password.
– denise (@Stellacopter) March 21, 2015
“Riding the elevator?” -How I strike up conversation with other people in elevators
– Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) March 18, 2015
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast” *sees a buffet just full of ice cubes* “What the…” Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
– Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) March 15, 2015
Step 1: i like you a little Step 2: how do I ruin this forever
– Mae (@mzeld) March 13, 2015
I tell people I’m birdwatching because I’m too embarrassed to admit I’m searching for a place to play my pan flute in the nude.
– Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) March 16, 2015
I hate everyone younger & more successful than me. And older & more successful. And everyone less successful. I hate you guys.
– david nużży nussbaum (@theNuzzy) March 19, 2015
Why is there so much hate in the world when people can just buy mad heads of lettuce and slice them in half with a samurai sword?
– PÄŮŁÝ ÇÂŞÏĽŁĄŠ (@PaulyPeligroso) March 22, 2015
If you want someone to keep your secret, just tell it when they’re looking at their phone. They’ll have no idea what you actually said.
– caprice crane (@capricecrane) March 22, 2015
My wife’s superpower is immediately clicking to the worst thing on television and then making me watch it.
– Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) March 21, 2015
More funny tweets can be found right here.
