Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Is it “fleek” or “on fleek”? I want grandmas eulogy to be just right.
– A guy who’se cool (@MikeCanRant) March 30, 2015
Imagine how much funnier Richard Pryor would have been if he’d had think pieces and blogs to guide him.
– Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) April 1, 2015
THE LORD OF THE RINGS Special Extended Edition really is the only way to watch the series. pic.twitter.com/DOZvbrNY3c
– Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) April 4, 2015
If you take a girl to a restaurant full of bees she’ll be like, “let’s go some place with fewer bees” and then your apartment is next #swag
– Trevor S (@trevso_electric) April 5, 2015
If you could switch genders for one day what would you do? Men: play with my boobs Women: WALK AROUND AT NIGHT WITH HEADPHONES IN
– Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 10, 2014
*autopsy* the deceased is male, aged 37, a magician. removing the- *pulling on an endless string of intestines* phil, c’mere & look at this
– lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) February 28, 2015
*shows up to your baby daughter’s baptism wearing the same dress*
– ibid (@ibid78) March 21, 2015
What, this whole bag of dicks? BY MYSELF?
– BatKaren (@batkaren) February 5, 2015
the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn’t a bunch of dogs and gerbils
– kristen (@kristendrum) April 2, 2015
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
– Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) January 13, 2015
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead “You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?” I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
– Mary (@living_marble) February 28, 2015
There aren’t a lot of female pilots and not to point fingers but thanks a lot Amelia Earhart
– Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) April 5, 2015
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok [a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
– Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 31, 2015
My most fulfilling hobby is silently fighting men for shared armrests. Thinking of going pro.
– Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) March 31, 2015
If you walk into a crowded bar carrying a small tray, you can walk up to anyone & ask what they like to drink and they’ll just hand you cash
– (maura) (@behindyourback) April 4, 2015
No, you EMPHASIZE the wrong word.
– Jeffw (@Jeffwni) March 29, 2015
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E. NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth? BUZZ: Nope *5 minutes silence* BUZZ: OK, yep.
– Diversion (@Diversion50) February 18, 2015
[commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
– dan (@oxygenplug) January 26, 2015
I don’t think a grand piano falling onto my head is as big of a threat as cartoons led me to believe.
– Kyle on Twidder (@houffy) January 26, 2015
When you look for him across a crowded room and he’s already looking at you pic.twitter.com/JahS0O59Tb
– Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) February 16, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
