Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
– Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) March 22, 2015
Hey cool party. Oh shoot I accidentally brought my acoustic guitar. Guess I’ll just break off some Mraz so it’s not awkward…
– Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) April 10, 2015
high stakes special instructions for the pizza delivery person pic.twitter.com/F7WuSHrIdV
– shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) April 4, 2015
I vaccinated your baby while you were at hot yoga
– Dave Ditell sucks!! (@davedittell) March 15, 2015
Please stop walking so fast, I’m trying to pet your dog.
– Molly (@Molly_Kats) March 30, 2015
If you want to give an on again off again relationship another chance may I suggest something less painful like ripping off your face skin
– AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) April 9, 2015
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it UNLESS IT’S THE COFFEE TABLE THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE USED A COASTER
– Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) April 10, 2015
Good morning. Welcome to Denny’s, I’ll be your waitress. Today we’ll wage a silent battle about which one of us is more depressed to be here
– Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) March 26, 2015
I hope he doesn’t wake up! pic.twitter.com/KWlyfSutX9
– Alexander Shiroki (@Shiroki_Alex) April 12, 2015
I love when rappers laugh on songs. Like who’s tickling you, homie?
– PÄŮŁÝ ÇÂŞÏĽŁĄŠ (@PaulyPeligroso) April 11, 2015
Are ladies-who-join-ISIS promised 72 male virgins. Bc that’d be TERRIBLE.
– Meredith Scardino (@scardinoandsons) March 25, 2015
i think you’re cute. you think i’m cute. let’s ruin each other’s lives
– Mae (@mzeld) April 2, 2015
What’s that rap song where it’s like I only wanna fuck hoes but why these hoes so slutty but why can’t I have something real with these hoes
– Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) April 11, 2015
If I could be any X-Men I think I’d pick Professor X. Don’t really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking.
– Steve Amiri (@SteveAmiri) December 30, 2014
Most horrifying words in the English language: “Actually, we’ve met before.”
– Grant Pardee (@grantpa) April 1, 2015
“Your mom” still holds up as a tight comeback. Also, sorry to Michael at Panda Express
– Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) April 7, 2015
Daughter: Why do girls wear high heels? Me: I guess they want to be taller. Daughter: To reach for things they can’t get? Me: *crying
– Jen Kirwin (@JennKirwin) May 21, 2014
hot air balloons: for when you need to make danger boring
– Zach X.J. (@ZachXJ) April 6, 2015
93% of my energy each day goes to restraining myself from saying “who cares”
– lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) April 11, 2015
Game of Thrones is like a class reunion: all the wrong people are dead.
– Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) April 12, 2015
Liam Neeson: I have a very particular set of skills Me: Do they include needlepoint Liam Neeson: Yes they do Me: Neat Neeson: I have an Etsy
– Josh Hara (@yoyoha) January 10, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
