Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Quick question when you steal a boat is it called grand theft boat
– Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) April 12, 2015
Getting just 10 minutes of exercise a day can raise your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 40%.
– Trevor S (@trevso_electric) April 24, 2015
If you’re wondering where my priorities are, I hung up on my dad so I could take this picture pic.twitter.com/vghHy8zjpA
– Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) April 25, 2015
Tried hugging a tree but it just wants to be friends ;(
– Ally Maynard (@missmayn) April 22, 2015
When I sell a TV show, the first episode will start with “Previously, on…” and then have a ton of A-list actors dying.
– Spencer Porter (@porters) March 27, 2015
Who told women they have to announce whenever they get bangs? You don’t have to do that. Nobody is making you do that
– Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) April 15, 2015
Always carry a bag of goldfish. So if someone approaches you with a clipboard you can say SORRY MAN I GOTTA GET THESE GUYS IN SOME WATER
– Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) April 23, 2015
I was just corrected on what the “O” stands for in “Standing O”. My apologies to everyone sitting near me at The Lion King.
– Paula Pell (@perlapell) April 9, 2015
Instagram me like one of your French bulldogs.
– Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) April 20, 2015
its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside
– Mike F (@animaldrumss) April 26, 2015
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
– Jason Miller (@longwall26) April 22, 2015
When railway emojis were first unveiled, people ran from the room screaming because they thought the trains were coming straight at them.
– Mark Leggett (@markleggett) April 16, 2015
I’m pretty sure Kevin Hart and sriracha signed with the same agent in 2012.
– Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 25, 2015
I’m not mad about the new Joker but only because he is a fictional character in a made-up story designed for children’s enjoyment.
– Joe Randazzo (@Randazzoj) April 25, 2015
The carpet matches the grapes (my head is shaved and so are my balls)
– Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) April 19, 2015
I will always prefer vinyl. You can’t make the world a better place by dropping a fist through your roommate’s Red Hot Chili Peppers mp3s.
– vladchoc (@vladchoc) April 23, 2015
The president of Yemen gave a speech and his glasses were like this the whole time pic.twitter.com/8YyCyLVV6U
– Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 21, 2015
Either I saw a cyclist ride by with a dog in his backpack or I saw a dog piloting a human.
– Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) April 23, 2015
I hope adding water to the hand soap bottle has helped you overcome your financial hardships.
– Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) March 27, 2015
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
– Drew Janda (@drewjanda) April 22, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
