Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Oh, you’re sweet and fun and gainfully employed and emotionally available and age appropriate and you really like me? Sorry, not my type.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) May 7, 2015
To make a new Old Spice name, mix a description of nature with a violent action Examples: Arctic Thrust Breeze Assailant Forest Chokehold
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 7, 2015
If I read another crazy theory about how advertising is brainwashing us I swear I’ll drive a new, fully redesigned Ford F-150 off a cliff
— Shawn (@CakeThrottle) May 13, 2015
I bet sometimes Kate Middleton wishes she could just put on an old Slayer t-shirt and get drunk enough to enjoy anal. pic.twitter.com/OL0GLb2M48
— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) May 30, 2014
Search History: Cat armor Buy armor for cats Cat jousting tournaments How to stop armored cats Cat army how to stop national guard phone #
— Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) April 26, 2015
Do you ever look up from your phone and realize you’re 83 weeks deep into your own instagram account
— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) May 13, 2015
“And you swear to God, your mother lets you do this?!” — me, every 20 minutes, when I’m watching the kids by myself
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) May 17, 2015
A player piano is just like a regular piano except for that the player piano has slept with your girlfriend.
— Dr. Jimi Torosian (@jimmytorosian) April 20, 2015
Um a dog just came out of the elevator. By itself
— mavis beacon (@vodkalemonades) May 16, 2015
hahaha = that was super funny HAHA = oh man, good one Ha = you’ve had better Lol = I’m mocking you now HAAHAHAHAHAHAH = sorry autocorrect
— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) May 11, 2015
[picks up crying baby] it’s ok buddy, when you grow up you’ll learn how to do this on the inside
— Dyl don’t (@dyldonot) January 28, 2015
Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we’re suddenly gonna have x-ray vision
— ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) May 15, 2015
Sorry I didn’t text back yeah I was typing words into my phone to complete strangers who mean more to me
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) May 15, 2015
Sure pic.twitter.com/4eMF628NVL
— Alice White (@alicewhitey) May 9, 2015
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) May 12, 2015
woken up yet again by the sound of that massive vehicle picking up the trash my neighbors put out on their curb. I hate living near a school
— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) May 4, 2015
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
— Danielle Grace (@danimgrace) May 12, 2015
Spiderman, Spiderman/ Does whatever a spider can/ Attends college/ Works as a photographer/ Just like a spider
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) April 9, 2015
I can’t wait until 2nd puberty, which happens when you turn about 40. It’s when you start getting short fat & get more health problems
— Karl From Online (@HammerFist3) May 13, 2015
MILF= be hotter than a 20 year old after having three kids DILF=you’re fine the way you are, you hot fucking pile of raw biscuit dough
— desi (@DesiJed) May 11, 2015
Sir that parking space is reserved for those with disability “Um bro how about DIS ABILITY to find really awesome parking spaces”
— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) May 6, 2015
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) May 14, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
