Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
this one has claws This one swims but can’t fly This one is huge & runs funny This one bangs his head against trees – god making birds
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) January 18, 2015
me: I am open to criticism person: okay! So, I think- me: you are rude and bad
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) June 10, 2015
*at mcdonald’s* ME: and one of the happy meal toys CASHIER: for a little boy or girl? ME: *sweating* ME: … ME: … ME: yes of course it is
— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) January 12, 2015
I once dated a girl for 2 months because she had a trampoline
— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) August 1, 2014
[First date] Girl: “My eyes are up here.” Me: “I know but look at the pattern on this carpet. It’s lovely.”
— Stephen Molloy (@stephenjmolloy) June 2, 2015
The prequel is called “Black Is The Current Black”
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) June 11, 2015
I don’t know anyone that makes enough money to say “affordable healthcare” without lying.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) June 12, 2015
I bet there’s an aquarium on a submarine somewhere and the fish are all, “You gotta be fucking kidding me.”
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) May 9, 2015
As you leave a courtroom after being convicted of a crime, I suggest turning to the jury and saying, “Well excuse me for being myself”
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) June 13, 2015
The roof of your mouth isn’t actually a roof, it’s a ceiling. Your mouth’s roof is technically the top of your head.
— John F. Brennan (@UpturnedBathtub) June 13, 2015
[God creating me] And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety [the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in] [God shrugs] He’ll be fine
— Dan O’Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) June 8, 2015
Keep turning and turning and turning in bed until a cocoon begins to form around your tired body and you hear David Attenborough’s voice.
— doll butts (@findmydolls) May 28, 2015
My nickname in high school was “the dishes” cuz no one wanted to do me
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) June 11, 2015
Sex Ed did not mention how much apologizing there would be.
— ghost mom (@radtoria) January 18, 2015
I’ve just always assumed that ironing boards were surfboards that gave up on their dreams and got real jobs.
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) June 9, 2015
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! This Isn’t Ham? You’re Shitting Me Come On, That’s Got To Be Milk If This Isn’t Pudding, I Will Fight You
— Trigarrettops (@Garrodactyl) May 27, 2015
HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes? GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea
— very nice kyle (@hippieswordfish) April 10, 2015
[pharmacy] I recommend these allergy pills, I use them on my son “Ok, I’ll take a bottle” Would you like childproof? “No, I believe you”
— Terry F (@daemonic3) June 14, 2015
Me: is my heart healthy enough for sex? Dr: are you hitting on me? Me: no, I saw this commercial.. Dr: I have a boyfriend
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) June 14, 2015
[looks in the mirror] And who is this attractive creature? [takes a picture] Oh cool, a wildebeest.
— molls (@MollySneed) June 4, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
