Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Wife: Can you handle packing your own lunch today? Me: Give me a little credit. I’m an adult Wife:*leaves* Me:*packs 16 bags of Skittles*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 18, 2015
Things have changed so much like 4000 years ago if you killed a lion and could fix people’s teeth you would have been the king of everything
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 7, 2015
So much of being an adult is bringing a bottle of wine someone brought to your house to someone else’s house
— emily axford (@eaxford) July 25, 2015
can u imagine how easy it was to invent stuff in ancient Greece “uh I think we should measure shapes” congrats youre the father of geometry
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) August 8, 2015
GRANDPA: I served in WWII, the Korean War and built my own house. ME: I find I’m often too tired to text people back.
— Michael Flynn (@Home_Halfway) August 2, 2015
unlocked a new fat badge today by buttering some bread at a stoplight
— molls (@MollySneed) March 9, 2015
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
— Matt Oswalt (@puddinstrip) June 7, 2015
Can you acquaintance zone someone.
— Kasey Koop (@KaseyKoop) August 4, 2015
Trump is running hahahah Trump is leading in the polls ahahha Trump is in the general election hahaha Trump is president hahaoh fuck
— Grant Pardee (@grantpa) August 4, 2015
U know what, I’m gonna treat myself. When was the last time I did something nice for me? It was yesterday but that’s besides the point.
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) August 5, 2015
Oh, the tittle of your song isn’t in the lyrics? Aren’t YOU a fancy band.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) January 18, 2015
Someone just tried to take me to a Domestic House of Pancakes so I punched em in the damn face. You know I only eat international pancakes!
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) August 6, 2015
At the end of every presidency they should have to ride a roller coaster that from the side looks like a line graph of their approval rating
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) August 2, 2015
Me at 3pm: I’m still really full. Maybe a light dinner? Me at 5pm: Hey. I need 6 Large meat pizzas. Yeah, all the meats. Carry out. Thanks.
— Brian C. Thayer (@briancthayer) July 31, 2015
When the moderator says you’re really good at Mario Kart pic.twitter.com/EcJpSZHOJ9
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 7, 2015
Most people don’t realize just how vast our great nation is. Truly amazing. pic.twitter.com/RwymxX5FKT
— THE LEGO COUCH GUY (@ironghazi) August 7, 2015
Life is fragile.. you could drown in a toilet. Let those you love know it. Whisper to them about toilet death.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) August 8, 2015
Just asked my uber driver what his relationship with his father is like and he said “I don’t want to talk about that” but now I really do
— Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) August 4, 2015
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) August 3, 2015
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
— chuuch (@ch000ch) August 4, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
