Vagueness is a problem that effects us all. In general, we are incapable of knowing exactly what anyone else means. Well, I often try to remedy this by clarifying things as much as possible. It’s a problem. But in this case, it’s a solution!
Guys are always talking to me, being like “Bro, this girl I saw at the bar last night was crazy hot. Like an 8. And she was totally digging me!” I don’t know what you mean, bro. What does an 8 mean? I get that it’s approximately 80%, but of what? Hotness? What is 80% hotness?
Well, here’s my solution. We all judge women’s physical appearance in one way already: what porn we watch. Men and women alike. You will watch a really hot woman do almost nothing barely naked, but in order to watch an ugly chick, it’d have to be some weird shit for you to click on it. So why not attatch them to numbers? Well, I did just that.
Disclaimer for the Ladies: Before you get all up in arms, I want you all to know that this article is in the comedy section for a reason. It is an exaggeration of a disgusting attribute of the male psyche placed in a satirical light. So, to all those militant feminist c*nts who get off on seeing perfectly innocent guys getting taken down for sexual harrassment, I don’t want you to be offended. This is satire, guys. Nobody likes a sourpuss.
Disclaimer for Dudes: Chicks are hot, right? Wussy dudes read previous paragraph.
Disclaimer for Everybody: To soften the blow, I’ve recreated everything I’m talking about with a teddy bear. Hopefully it is cuter than this article is depraved.
10) Sashay A Little, Fully Clothed
Let’s be honest here. We may be gross, ugly, hard-drinkin’ woman-beatin’ males here, but every once in a while, you know there’s a girl that’s just so beautiful that you kinda don’t want to see her naked. I mean, you wouldn’t mind, of course, but you are kind of okay with her always being an innocent clothed angel. These are the except fors and the ones that got away. They are the legendary Perfect 10s.
It only goes downhill from here.
9) A Leaked Self-Shot or “Nip Slip”
Scandalous! A lady has bodyparts! Normally some of them are hidden, but in this instance they are not!
Okay, so I may not approve of the Internet’s favorite brand of celebrity softcore. However, I won’t deny that there are some women so beautiful that they even make this ridiculous breach of privacy sexy. Despite the fact that it’s still the smallest perceivable amount of rape, these ladies are what you would call a nine. And yes, now that I’ve seen it doing research for this article, I’m saying Scarlett Johansson ranks under in a 9 in my book. Shock, awe, get over it. I find her… frumpy. Sorry, ScarJo. Nothing personal.
8) The Centerfold
I had to put that there. It’s only, like, my absolute favorite song ever. But does anyone remember what a centerfold actually is? I’m not sure how old my audience is. If you grew up before ubiquitous lightning speed super porn, you know that dirty magizines had a fold up picture of a naked lady in it that was a whole three pages big rather than two. This was seriously advanced porn technology for a while. But even if you don’t know the item, you know the pose. Hand behind head, back arched, and also naked. Buxom, svelte and beaming, these ladies defined sexy for decades. The most famous is Marilyn Monroe, because she was a 10 in an 8’s realm. See? It holds up.
So back to the song, which is about a girl that J. Geils had a crush on in school, then he finds her naked in a dirty mag and felt the need to sing about it. I’m gonna bet that means J. Geils’ dream girl is only an 8. I don’t know about you, but I think he can do better.
(Some may say that as he didn’t want to see the girl naked, she should be considered a 10. To them I say, good point, and Na NA na-na na-na nuh-nuh-nah-nah nuh-na Nah-Nah-Nah.)
7) A Strip Tease
The tamest of all things that could actually be considered motion pornography, a strip tease is a way to say “I’m naughty.” without actually having to be naughty. A note to the ladies: We know you aren’t naughty, but we’re also not going to stop you from showing us your boobs. I apologize for dispelling that illusion.
Anyway, that’s why everyone saw Striptease but nobody saw G.I. Jane. Demi Moore’s always been a 7, and I don’t see ‘Act like Sylvester Stallone with PMS’ anywhere on this list.
6) Some Solo Work
All right, now we get to the naughty bits. And by naughty bits, I mean vaginas. The fact is that if you’re pretty enough, guys don’t need to see your reproductive organs to be interested in you. Unfortunately, not all girls are pretty enough. Anyone 6 and below, I have some unfortunate news. Nobody cares about anything but your vagina.
I may be exaggerating for comedic effect, but the point I make is sound. And if she’s prettier down south than you are neck up, maybe it’s a plus! Besides, nobody ever wants to see a guy masturbate. Penises are freaking ugly. So it’s a compliment, right?
5) Average Intercourse
Yeah, that’s right. I’m talkin’ about the sexins. Getting jiggly with it.
Ladies are always saying that all men care about is sex. Well, like with all other things, we don’t want to disappoint. Girls all get that same vicious rodent face, don’t they? After a certain point of unattractiveness, the idea of being aware that the girl exists if they won’t either have sex with us or let us watch them have sex just seems exhausting. Pretty girls we at least get to look at when we ignore them. What are we supposed to do with the below-averages?
According to your dad, the answer is marry them. BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN.
I can’t believe I got you with that. You should see your face right now. That was awesome.
4) “Unconventional” Intercourse
So, I’m not saying that there are girls who are too ugly to get a conventional boning. I’m just saying there are girls that are too ugly to make a conventional boning really worth it. World of difference.
And if you think I’m alluding to something specific, you’re wrong. I just mean if I’m not interested in going all the way with a lady, the idea of going a little further doesn’t hurt her chances. Guys use this leverage for lots of things, but mostly not using protection (which I find absolutely repulsive and completely unforgivable…) and “backdoor entry” (…which I kinda get). But, if you are a lady and this was recently used on you, I’m not saying you are necessarily a 4. I’ve never seen you before. For all I know, you could just be a dumb 7.
3) The Gangbang
Ugh. Disgusting, I know. I honestly don’t see what people see in these things. Nobody, I mean nobody, could possibly love cock that much. But if a guy deems a doll a 3, that guy wouldn’t watch that doll do anything else. But I’m not that guy, and I don’t want to think about it anymore. Let’s move on.
2) Something Truly, Deeply Demeaning
I’m gonna make a sweeping declaration at this moment. Man is inherently evil. If you’ve noticed the way this list is progressing, the pattern is pretty clear. The uglier you are, the more control we need to have over you. That’s just the way it works.
All the worst fears of all the most paranoid women are true. We don’t care about what’s inside. Nobody’s interested in what you’re capable of. All we need to know is how you rank up in the looks department. The lower you are on that scale, the more disgusting and ego-shattering the act we want to see you perform. Men aren’t people. We’re demons, from a super-awful corner of hell that’s even worse than the rest of hell. And the only thing we love more than putting a pretty girl on a pedestal is putting an ugly girl in her place.
1) Only In Japan
Wow. I can’t believe I got through writing this article. Come to think of it, I can’t believe you got through reading it. There was some really disgusting stuff back there. Good job! I’m glad you have this much faith in me. Most people would have already lynched me.
Well, no matter how gross the rest of this article was, it doesn’t come close to Japanese porn. Seriously. And I found this stuff at an inappropriately early age. I’m scarred for life, and completely desensitized to sexuality in all it’s forms. That’s how I can write an article like this without destroying my computer with projectile vomit. I’m not heartless. And I wouldn’t wish Japanese Porn Participation on my worst enemy, no less some girl who just happens to look like Lon Cheney in full Wolfman makeup. I’ll admit, I am a really disgusting person. But that’s just going too far. And that mythical girl, who is truly that hideous both inside and out, Ursula times Cruella times Aileen Wournos (Charlize Theron in Monster)… SHE is the 1.
Hope that clears things up for everybody. I just wanted to make sure we’re all on the same page.
