Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
— sicily (@toomanytoes) June 17, 2015
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) August 15, 2015
Sometimes both a thing and its opposite can be weird. Like it’s weird that lady Lego people don’t have boobs but it’d be weirder if they did
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 15, 2015
Check how this stupid baby vapes: pic.twitter.com/MgztsuBqmx
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 14, 2015
[nurse struggling to read doctor’s handwriting] it either says take two pills twice a day or watch me hit this fadeaway
— brent (@murrman5) August 6, 2015
“I don’t get alcoholics, man” *sips from today’s 15th cup of coffee* “Like why can’t they just stop drinking that stuff” *pours refill*
— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) August 12, 2015
When u sneeze & a fart sneaks out pic.twitter.com/WW7kEsDdjx
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) August 15, 2015
i sleep with my mirror sunglasses on just in case someone breaks in and tries to instagram me
— Mae (@mzeld) July 19, 2015
OLYMPIC JUDGE: the routine was good but we were forced to take away points because you shouted ‘watch this shit, motherfuckers’ at the start
— ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) August 6, 2015
I only work out so I’m strong enough to hold every breed of dog like a baby.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) August 10, 2015
what happens in aisle 15, stays in aisle 15 pic.twitter.com/Oy2RDCLwJT
— side-eye spice (@goldengateblond) July 25, 2015
i like to wake up super early so i can get my first panic attack out of the way before dawn
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) August 14, 2015
Friend: [showing baby photos] Me: Ah yes, very baby
— moody monday (@mdob11) August 15, 2015
In honor of International Cat Day, I’m being emotionally unavailable to those who care for me.
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) August 8, 2015
we go together like Netflix and mono
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) August 8, 2015
We see you, stairs next to escalators – we see you.
— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) July 25, 2015
HOW I WOULD DESCRIBE MY DANCING STYLE: nice, cool vibes, understated, not too flashy HOW OTHERS WOULD: that guy is just standing there
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) May 31, 2015
How many misogynists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but you know he’ll somehow use it as proof that he doesn’t hate women.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 8, 2015
“Ben Stiller” is also the perfect cowboy response to “Are you still?”
— Spencer Porter (@porters) June 29, 2015
It’s Madonna’s birthday. She’s two Taylor Swifts and one Ariana Grande-years-old.
— Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) August 16, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
