Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
An eggplant emoji has never been used to refer to a vegetable.
— erin mallory long (@erinmallorylong) August 26, 2015
Fonts that sound like handsome men: Onyx Estrangelo Edessa Rockwell Extra Bold Fonts that don’t: Poor Richard Baskerville Old Face
— Umami Skeleton (@Merman_Melville) August 11, 2015
A hangover is just your body reminding you that you’re an idiot.
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) August 29, 2015
Kanye: George Bush doesn’t care about black people *Mike Meyers, stunned, tries to think of his own hard truth and says “I ruined Dr Seuss”
— Alan Scherstuhl (@studiesincrap) August 28, 2015
EXEC: ok, who should Godzilla fight WRITER #1: 3-headed dragon WRITER #2: King Kong WRITER #3: a big moth EXEC: tell me more about this moth
— Albro (@bromanconsul) August 17, 2015
I don’t think my dad knows how frames work pic.twitter.com/vkkJYcctyu
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) August 27, 2015
[Job interview] “Can you explain this gap in your résumé?” Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) August 10, 2015
a cool ad for anti-depressants would feature a 15yo skater dude opening the medicine cabinet & yelling out “Who finished all the anti-D’s??”
— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) August 28, 2015
I may be an alcoholic but at least I don’t shout it out every time I go out in public like some kind of vegan
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) August 28, 2015
80% of being in a relationship is going to bed when someone else wants to.
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) August 26, 2015
Me: What do you call sex in December? Wife: Don’t say it. Me: … W: … Me: Wintercourse. W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) August 6, 2015
Freedom is not having a work email connected to your phone.
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) August 29, 2015
What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) April 6, 2015
I can feel myself shifting from a 5-year “who gives a shit” phase to this fresh new era of “oh god what have I done”
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) August 27, 2015
I think Bizarre Foods is running out of ideas because this ep is just Andrew Zimmern eating MRI results at a New Mexico bone & joint clinic.
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) August 25, 2015
Don’t ask me how I figured this out but you can end any haiku with “smoke weed every day” and no one can stop you.
— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) August 15, 2015
Being a dog mom isn’t a thing but okay live your life. But this? No. This is not a thing. pic.twitter.com/IVTkaJxYsT
— Timothy Simons (@timothycsimons) August 26, 2015
I hacked the database of Ashley Home Furniture in Madison, WI and I swear I’ll release names unless you give me a poorly made sectional sofa
— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) August 29, 2015
Sorry I’m late, I was trying to get into a car accident so I wouldn’t have to come
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 27, 2015
I have to shave a half hour off when I mention the length of the nap I took today or people will think it’s a cry for help.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 28, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
