Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
*gathers teens around campfire* You wanna hear a horror story? In your 30s you’ll drink 3 glasses of champagne & be hungover 2 days later.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) September 4, 2015
Roughly half my energy is spent controlling myself from tracking down House Hunters couples online to tell them I hate them
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) September 3, 2015
*me as a doctor* I see. Yes. Hmm. Well have you tried complaining on facebook about it?
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) September 2, 2015
How do they get the hurricanes to arrive in alphabetical order tho
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 31, 2015
[1st date] her: my biggest fear is never finding true love & dying alone. whats urs me: cracking my iphone screen her: me: like a bad crack
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) August 29, 2015
If there are peanut butter m&ms on a desk and I am interviewing for a job then I am not getting the job.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) August 30, 2015
My doctor just avoided using my name for 45 minutes pic.twitter.com/O8v0ogV00h
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) August 19, 2015
Stop telling everyone we’re “on again off again,” I’m your son
— viney (@vineyille) August 22, 2015
Who needs drugs when you can be the first person Target lets in when they open at 7AM.
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) August 16, 2015
Miles Teller is both a good actor and a description of a pedometer.
— Michael Flynn (@Home_Halfway) August 11, 2015
I’m working on my Halloween body.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) August 25, 2015
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
— Your Pal Dave (@T_N_Crumpets) August 20, 2015
It really doesn’t feel like September ’til Macy’s puts their Christmas decorations up.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) September 5, 2015
“Whoever denied it, supplied it” also works with climate change
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 9, 2015
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) September 5, 2015
How to write a horror film: 1. Bad things 2. OR ARE THERE 3. Yes bad things 4. Defeat the bad things 5. OR HAVE THEY
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 3, 2015
My personal fitness plan is just convincing people that my body is on purpose.
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) September 2, 2015
When you & your friends are hungover af & someone suggests McDonald’s for breakfast pic.twitter.com/H4JLvpcHt9
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 30, 2015
I imagine one person saying the first and then a second person asking the next three with increasing incredulity pic.twitter.com/FTj7TLe3jr
— not olga lexell (@runolgarun) August 17, 2015
so embarrassing when u think u nailed the big interview and it turns out he was interviewing the guy behind u the whole time
— chuuch (@ch000ch) September 4, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
