Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
the exact moment my dog realized that the cat was coming home with us for good pic.twitter.com/ycqfA9relO
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) August 31, 2015
date: So what do you do? me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist date: Oh wow fox: and a ventriloquist
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 28, 2015
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
— AlexaMac Brandes (@TheWoodenslurpy) September 16, 2015
hey Dickens, were the times good or were they bad, you flip-flopping piece of garbage good-or-bad-times waffling ass motherfucker
— TROMNEYOBLY PIACKLES (@Tormny_Pickeals) September 22, 2015
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
— bea_ker (@bea_ker) September 23, 2015
40 is when you need to consider getting your shit together, because “adorably messy” is two steps from “there’s a witch next door”.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 12, 2015
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) August 23, 2015
Bad Eskimo: Look at that slug! It’s huge Eskimo: It’s a seal [the following day] Bad Eskimo: Aaargghh! GHOST RAIN!! Eskimo: It’s snow
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) September 22, 2015
Are you guys gonna do your best today I’m not I’ll prob just do the bare minimum and then wonder why I am not super successful
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) September 21, 2015
Draft Kings just kicked down my door, kidnapped my dog, & threatened to beat up my family if I don’t sign up for an account.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) September 24, 2015
Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they’re doing right now? They’re playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone.
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) August 20, 2015
I suspected this but it’s chilling to get confirmation. pic.twitter.com/iYfDUyOoBn
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) September 22, 2015
The only time my hair ever goes in a top knot is when I’m vomiting.
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) September 27, 2015
oh my god i thought there were bugs in my cole slaw it was raisins much fucking worse
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) September 19, 2015
Take it from this sex god, pic.twitter.com/PtnAIPhnI2
— madeleine (@madeleinedoux) September 26, 2015
did… did a rottweiler write this pic.twitter.com/cmK7icX2J7
— Molled Cider (@ilikemints) September 14, 2015
10 years into Netflix and chill and she wants a divorce
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) September 25, 2015
Me: Guess what happened today! Wife: What? Me: I ordered 10 McNuggets, but they gave me 11! Wife: Me: Wife: *pops the champagne cork*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 26, 2015
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) September 15, 2015
Y’all ever see Sign Language for a diss song?? pic.twitter.com/ARym5dQ2W0
— DJ Akademiks (@IamAkademiks) September 27, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
