Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) September 18, 2015
This gif has so many characters and subplots, it’s like a Shakespearean tragedy pic.twitter.com/rUYl1SOGIc
— Senongo (@senongo) October 2, 2015
Founder of #Peeple, an app designed to collect unsolicited feedback doesn’t appear to like unsolicited feedback. pic.twitter.com/MmYZW3oHw4
— Sharon O’Dea (@sharonodea) October 1, 2015
*dog pokes me with nose* *stop, it’s late* (Dog looks at me with sad eyes) *ugh, ok* [sets up poker table for him and his friends]
— Jackman…Forever (@TheAlexP) March 18, 2015
I’ve replaced this pepper spray with Febreze. Let’s see if my mugger notices.
— Kevin Sussman (@KevinSussman) September 4, 2015
*Bill Gates knocks on your door* “Have you accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions into your heart.”
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) September 17, 2015
Please do not mistake my attendance at your birthday party as a sign that I love you. I will go to any event that provides free cake.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) September 26, 2015
*nudges boyfriend at 3 AM* pretty fucked up that we assume that wall-e is a boy. it’s a robot. chad? wake up chad. listen. it’s sexless.
— mom from mars (@nurserycrimes) January 28, 2015
Green : Go Red : Stop Yellow : we’re just gonna trust 16 yr olds to make a split-second decision that could literally mean life or death
— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) April 15, 2015
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
— september22 (@hodgesboi15) October 12, 2013
When your girlfriend says “you know what I think is funny” pic.twitter.com/Ig66rBCNAM
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) October 3, 2015
When someone asks if you’ve got your life together https://t.co/MqQBxgkGFq
— dank scully (@scatacomb) August 20, 2015
[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is “bananas” GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
— studious emma (@ermahgarton) September 20, 2015
Before you get annoyed by that text message from your mom-remember it took her 17 minutes and one finger to send.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) September 22, 2015
Tombstone of two of the best breakdancers pic.twitter.com/i1riSYFsOo
— MIKE GLAZER (@GlazerBooHooHoo) September 25, 2014
Nice guy standards 1955: court her, buy flowers, be respectful Nice guy standards 2015: don’t try to put it in her butt, text occassionally
— Laura (@LauraLikesWine) October 4, 2015
if your heart is breaking just remember if that were actually happening there would be blood everywhere & you’d die. you’re alive, congrats.
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) October 4, 2015
“GUNS ARENT THE PROBLEM MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE ARE” “OK, then federally funded, easily accessible mental healthcare, please!” “NO!”
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) October 1, 2015
Chances are if you describe yourself as “naughty” you can just go ahead and throw “creepy” in there too.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) October 3, 2015
If Starbucks and Chipotle charged an extra dollar that went to our student loan accounts we’d all be out of debt in 2 years tops.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) October 4, 2015
[hospital] Dr: How did you hurt yourself? Me: I fell down some stai- *Staircase outside the window makes neck slice motion* Me: I was mugged
— Marlon Vrandpire (@MarlonBrandNO) June 22, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
