This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.

Follow @robfee on Twitter.

No no, I said make sure the cookies are CHEWY. pic.twitter.com/822GTTSNQN

— BECKY (@beckyrrobinson) December 10, 2015

if I was a turtle I would turn my shell around and just sled everywhere

— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) December 11, 2015

*camera cuts to me in crowd at NFL game holding a giant sign that says “I JUST HOPE THE TEAMS HAVE FUN”*

— Rocky Momax (@rockymomax) September 18, 2015

if you fuck up a meal just call it Chicago style and serve it anyway

— wild thing jr. (@davedittell) December 12, 2015

Why sleep when you could be awake? You know, regretting.

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) December 12, 2015

[reading directions] These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) November 3, 2015

Tonight I met a 75y/o who could barely function & a 75y/o who just got married & toured europe which reminded me of my life goal: die at 45.

— maura quint (@behindyourback) December 12, 2015

and I’m digging my own grave pic.twitter.com/LwoVFacYg5

— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) December 12, 2015

Guy next to me in coffee shop explaining how he plans to scam professor whose class he’s skipped all semester. It is my class. ¯\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_(ツ)_/¯

— Mike Graziano (@grazmike) December 9, 2015

weird when 2 ppl u didn’t know knew each other post pics on fb, turns out they been friends since 1986 and they were dead the whole time

— Max Landis (@Uptomyknees) December 12, 2015

me in a relationship pic.twitter.com/5VqqSgsABp

— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) December 7, 2015

I get why some people are against gendering in cartoons but personally I need to know which anthropomorphic monster truck I’d have sex with.

— Timothy Simons (@timothycsimons) December 12, 2015

Imagine getting bad news in a sleeveless hoodie

— Carly Rae Jenkem (@eliyudin) June 23, 2015

[creating x-men] A wheelchair-bound visionary leads his people through a major conflict “That’s literally WWII” Ok then…one guy has claws

— Hippo (@InternetHippo) December 14, 2015

911: What’s your emergency? [sounds of struggling and growling] 911: Hello?! Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

— SuperCynthia (@Super_Cynthia) June 4, 2015

its fucked up how there are like 1000 christmas songs but only 1 song aboutr the boys being back in town

— wint (@dril) November 29, 2015

I’m buying my nephew another hen for Christmas pic.twitter.com/7rrfNUlBVe

— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) December 13, 2015

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

— Flaniz Navidad (@imdaintyaf) December 7, 2015