Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Amazon Prime is starting to freak me out a little. pic.twitter.com/JrtERByzgC
— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) January 4, 2016
My favorite thing about the Beatles being on Spotify is imagining Paul McCartney opening a check for $1.47.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 2, 2016
My mom has spent approximately half of her adult life trying to get me to remember someone I went to elementary school with
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) January 2, 2016
I should get IMDB credit for every time I pretend to be surprised when my credit card is declined.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) January 3, 2016
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
— chuuch (@ch000ch) December 31, 2015
January is great if you like trees in dumpsters and stories about new diets.
— claudia martin (@cloudypianos) January 9, 2015
Dump your boyfriend if he says “daddy likes.”
— Mike Glazer (@GlazerBooHooHoo) December 31, 2015
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) August 13, 2015
(to lady with magic marker checking my Costco receipt) AM I BEING DETAINED
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) December 28, 2015
What am I doing with my life lol pic.twitter.com/QXPcTXXB6S
— Robert Jiggly Jr. (@Cruise_Hi5ive) May 9, 2015
I like to think these bears were supposed to meet for lunch but one got the wrong park pic.twitter.com/OV7GCloNBv
— Baby New Year Agee (@MarkAgee) September 27, 2015
Come on gran, no one planks any more. It’s been 4 days now. Get off the floor.
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) December 29, 2015
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
— Jess (@jessokfine) March 23, 2015
Please stop saying “hashtag selfie” out loud as though it’s some kind of great joke. It’s not a great joke. It is my father’s name.
— grant pardee (@grantpa) August 16, 2015
My 3-year-old just yelled “I’m the sunniest bunny, damn it!” I don’t know what she’s talking about, but I’m too afraid to disagree with her
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2016
“Tonight, you will be visited by four ghosts and a cherry.” -Pac Man Christmas Carol
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) December 22, 2015
Those boner pills were just Tic Tacs, the real boner was in your heart all along!
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) April 25, 2015
1) put away your phone. 2 isn’t that better? 3) take out your phone again. 4) isn’t that better?
— Ahamed Weinberg (@ahamedweinberg) January 4, 2016
Divorce fireworks. pic.twitter.com/lnyFdGdiIM
— Katie (@thefirstkatie) December 31, 2015
when the Subway sandwich artist is putting too much lettuce on your sub pic.twitter.com/CvmkJKicMw
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) November 17, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
