Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Cooking spinach pic.twitter.com/FqLdJrXQFM
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) March 31, 2016
hey how’s it goin
“not much you”
that’s nice
“yeah good talkin to ya”
i will
— FOOLVO (@fro_vo) January 22, 2015
I’ve a lot of respect for Mark Hamill’s 30 year attachment to this jumper. pic.twitter.com/Bv418Ucohd
— paul haine (@paul_haine) March 29, 2016
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) March 30, 2016
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown— Good Account (@SortaBad) March 30, 2016
You could say that my “signature dating move” is texting ‘r u getting these lol’
— Greg Dorris (@GregDorris) March 30, 2016
I would give you a ride home but I haven’t come up with a good explanation for all the half drunken bottles of water in the backseat.
— Moses Storm (@MosesStorm) March 29, 2016
*roasting a marshmallow over the fire* tell me where you hid the jewels you bastard
— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) March 30, 2016
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming.
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) September 22, 2014
Me and my lover, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G
— Jake (@jake_lach) August 6, 2015
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 30, 2016
What romantic comedies never show is the color of the water after someone takes a bath.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) March 30, 2016
If you’re ever engulfed in a Pompeii-style eruption, look up & over your shoulder to avoid being fossilized with a permanent double chin.
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 30, 2016
This account has been swearing at a feminist outlet for weeks to show her support for Trump. I can’t stop laughing. pic.twitter.com/3dO2bML5X6
— Katie Klabusich (@Katie_Speak) March 29, 2016
A good way to remember how many chains 2 Chainz has is to just think “he has 2 chains”
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 27, 2016
[a man stops breathing]
Wife: “Help my husband! Does anybody know CPR?”
*smugly step forward*
Me: “I know all the letters of the alphabet.”— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) July 25, 2015
[opening Pop Tarts, I find Ninja stars]
Me: what the hell?
[Pop Tart sails by me & lodges into cabinet]
Ninja behind me: what the hell?!
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) January 21, 2016
trying to fit into my summer clothes again pic.twitter.com/8KweF1U19j
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) March 31, 2016
1996: if I just made 40k I’d be fine
2006: if I just made 60k I’d be fine
2016: if I just made 9 million dollars I’d be fine
— Nice Eric (@ericsshadow) March 29, 2016
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) February 20, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
