Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) April 8, 2016
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) July 13, 2015
I thought you was stuck in the seatbelt RT @BriannaAmor: My new loves pic.twitter.com/KcGccCgx5R
— $ (@ArlisDoNotChill) April 30, 2015
girl on twitter: I love when people hang easter eggs in trees! cute
[6 hrs pass]
guy: hey pic.twitter.com/WliqRjOkO9— errkuh (@hairicaaa) March 27, 2016
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”— nige [ham] (@koalaslament) March 31, 2015
I guess the most unexpected turn my life has taken in the last five years is I learned how to spell “LaBeouf and “McConaughey” from memory.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 28, 2016
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds pic.twitter.com/U3CX3Gcb0V
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 10, 2016
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 2, 2015
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: why
HER: u lie to me constantly
ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber
— Rocky Momax (@rockymomax) April 13, 2016
“First off bitch..
I’m bout to learn how to walk next week…and what you gonna be doing??
Crawling wit ya lame ass” pic.twitter.com/zbqzLO9000
— V.I. BOY (@Dutty_Jermz) October 24, 2014
Ok look I know this is controversial, but I actually hate both the player and the game
— Katy Stoll (@katystoll) April 8, 2016
if youre just waking up from a coma, facebook is now a 1 minute cooking video website
— chuuch (@ch000ch) April 14, 2016
One reason I don’t think I could run for president is because if someone ran an attack ad against me, I would cry
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) April 12, 2016
This isn’t exactly what we were thinking pic.twitter.com/zrkh3OBNyl
— Tom Morello (@tmorello) April 12, 2016
RT @THINGDUMBPPLSAY: pic.twitter.com/qUAlwj4L7B
— kASS. (@Ksndraaa_) December 18, 2015
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
— Long Island Lolita (@Prof_Hinkley) April 25, 2015
tbh I thought it said saloon but I couldn’t be happier with these highlights, debra, thank you
— karate snake (@Karate_Horse) June 25, 2015
[dogs around campfire]
*flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
— trojansauce(d) (@trojansauce) May 27, 2015
Just like mom used to make. pic.twitter.com/Fb1Ia38gDO
— Yael (@elle91) December 8, 2014
Boyfriend: you really don’t have to do that
Me: *getting a lower back tattoo of his Call of Duty kill/death ratio* I’m just proud of u babe
— Elizabeth (@elizabeth_fels) February 24, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
