Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Don’t brag about flying a chick out if u live in a poppin city. Impress me by getting her to ride Greyhound 13hrs to Horn Lake Mississippi
— Brandon (@JealousCloud) April 29, 2016
my bestfriend threw a birthday party for her dog and invited other dogs… this is what I AM ALIVE FOR pic.twitter.com/NQWlcp4oWg
— manda (@mandytbh) February 25, 2016
WHAT A RIPOFF. Did a bird come up with this mug? pic.twitter.com/He4wAxYdyT
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) April 25, 2016
“WHOM WHOM WHOM”-owl that never gets invited to parties
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 30, 2016
Trying to do the snapchat filter where they swap you with an image of someone from your camera roll but almost every photo is of my own face
— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) April 23, 2016
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) April 26, 2016
When autocorrect changes it to “holy shot” pic.twitter.com/ilkQeLUFRE
— TYLER LEMCO (@tlemco) April 28, 2016
I’m sorry, Mr Danza, I really am. We’d like to give you the role, but as you can clearly see, this character’s name isn’t Tony.
— Inappropriate Charm (@LackOfShame) May 5, 2016
This needs to be preserved in an art museum. pic.twitter.com/CGDxv4SYlC
— artificialdeath.flac (@hyped_resonance) April 30, 2016
[inside his head]
alien 1: what are you doing? smile protocol!!
alien 2 (fumbling with the controls): I’m trying pic.twitter.com/O0wasK2mUy— Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 27, 2016
When did teen girls meet up and agree to comment the same thing on every Instagram picture and how do we stop them
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) April 28, 2016
If you have a crush on someone, try spending time with them and you’ll usually get over it.
— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) April 24, 2016
cowboy 1: this town aint big enough for the two of us
cowboy 2: whatever. i want to die anyway
cowboy 1: whoa r u ok dude— cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) April 29, 2016
You think this is tough? I was mayor of Baltimore, dude. The Lannisters wouldn’t last five seconds against Omar pic.twitter.com/qlrlNVWcmM
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) April 28, 2016
FRIEND: Make sure you ask her questions about herself – stuff you’re both interested in.
[on date]
ME: So how many boobs do you have?
— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) April 25, 2016
When the Wild Wacky Arm Guy has put on weight but thinks he’s still got it pic.twitter.com/KWeODUwxfs
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) April 25, 2016
A millennial is any young person you don’t like.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) April 30, 2016
please don’t try to get with anyone ive hooked up with. not cuz i have feelings for them or anything, just cuz i have really bad taste
— darcie wilder (@333333333433333) December 18, 2015
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
— non human paul (@Death_Buddy) March 21, 2016
One time I saw a video of a guy holding up a sign that said “I love you Stevie” at a Stevie Wonder concert. I think about this a lot.
— Good Account (@SortaBad) April 26, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
