Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
I don’t know cpr I just like punching dead people in the chest and kissing them.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) May 12, 2016
Dray looks like your cousin from Mississippi visiting when you tell him the venue has a dress code pic.twitter.com/yPzgWHGGfE
— Trappadonna (@NicholeGunz) June 10, 2016
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.— Ben Rector (@benrector) June 12, 2016
Gucci, thoughtfully giving us a way of letting everyone know you’re British and have a bladder infection. pic.twitter.com/rrABzI0PNm
— (((quinn cummings))) (@quinncy) June 12, 2016
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah— FRO VO (@fro_vo) June 6, 2016
My mom left me in charge of the cake for my graduation party pic.twitter.com/p4ui3YkDgm
— Megan McGurr (@meganmcgurr) May 29, 2016
Without oboe players we would have no idea when an animal is doing something wacky in a nature documentary
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) June 11, 2016
6yrs ago I met a beautiful woman at a NYSC CDS meeting. We exchanged numbers. Today I dunno where she is. No point in my story. Just a tweet
— Lord Vino (@LordV_234) June 3, 2016
Four years of high school for this bullshit. pic.twitter.com/3iyWk1trCs
— Terrio (@terry_cruuz) June 9, 2016
Take me down to the Parallax City where the far moves slow and the near moves quickly
— Mark Brown (@britishgaming) June 12, 2016
SAM NEILL, ADULT: Dinosaurs were very good.
A LITERAL CHILD: Nah they seem dumb.
SN,A: HERE IS HOW ONE WOULD MURDER YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT— Ben Jenkins (@bencjenkins) June 13, 2016
when you text someone and the phone sends it as a green, what is that weird feeling of failure about?
— ít ԹհíӀՀ good (@RyanPhillippe) June 8, 2016
Something we’ve yet to discuss: there’s a very real chance @realDonaldTrump has no idea what dogs are. pic.twitter.com/IDlZCUzZyl
— CAFE (@cafedotcom) June 8, 2016
I want a woman who puts out on the first date. Puts out cookies, that is. If anybody wants to bake off and chill HMU.
— Anthony Troli (@AnthonyTroli) June 7, 2016
So you just gonna mess up my Birthday Cake on my Birthday to my Birthday Party on my Birthday with my Birthday Cake? https://t.co/zL3DreZCO5
— KC&Chill (@iDIKher) June 11, 2016
i’m dying at this picture. the level of disrespect from the cat to lie down on your pizza is unfathomable pic.twitter.com/6yzMkMKfg6
— Robby Kalland (@RKalland) June 9, 2016
The man who invented clickbait has died. You’ll never guess when his funeral is…
— James Martin (@Pundamentalism) May 12, 2016
You pretend to be Banksy on Twitter. https://t.co/jN4tYbGuo7
— Tom Gara (@tomgara) June 6, 2016
Every photo of the guy from Sleigh Bells looks like he left his phone charger at work pic.twitter.com/siGcQl5BEh
— Heathered Pearls (@heatheredpearls) June 10, 2016
This election is super mellow. Wish people had an opinion on these candidates. Everyone is getting along smoothly on social media.
— Nick Swardson (@NickSwardson) June 9, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
