Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Me, approving of something in a work email: “Ok perfect!”
Me, disapproving of something in a work email: “Ok, sounds good!”— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) July 8, 2016
A woman on the subway printed out 15 pages of Facebook posts and is just reading the comments pic.twitter.com/JEbnzM9ftR
— Alex Steinman (@AlexSteinman) July 6, 2016
“Free to good home: Dogs who ain’t no snitch.” pic.twitter.com/QzUEHNE5WQ
— Karla Pacheco (@THEKarlaPacheco) July 10, 2016
it’s cool that I now have to add “are there any Pokémon up here” to my list of concerns while on stage
— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) July 9, 2016
For some reason I feel like without Tim Duncan, the Spurs will need to find a new guy to remind everyone to wear seatbelts on team flights.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 11, 2016
Bookstore, my man, how you been? pic.twitter.com/shofJFp1uY
— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) July 9, 2016
Pokemon? No thanks. I’ll “augment my reality” the old-fashioned way: by filing my taxes early
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) July 10, 2016
RIP theater designer who died in the middle of dictating this sign pic.twitter.com/XzNGLtSsyD
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 8, 2016
“The breeze is nice, but it’s just not creepy enough”
Narrator: wind chimes
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) July 10, 2016
have you ever seen more existential horror than this photo of jim davis from the official garfield licensing website pic.twitter.com/yUAJXh6mzb
— chris randle (@randlechris) November 23, 2015
Just sayin’, hermit crabs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between hermits and crabs.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) June 25, 2016
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special. pic.twitter.com/Tz6Tt6l4jn
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) June 30, 2016
One time I burped and it sounded like “babadook” and I couldn’t sleep for 3 days because I was convinced he was coming to get me
— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) July 11, 2016
If carpet was never invented and then suddenly some guy installed it in his house we’d a ll think he was a big creep.
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) June 30, 2016
@krisstraub right inside the polling booth.
— Mu (@prinxeMu) July 11, 2016
I can’t believe some people disagree with my opinion on the thing I just read about fifteen minutes ago.
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) June 27, 2016
Whenever I feel sad I remember that Jackie Chan once posted this on his official Facebook page. pic.twitter.com/qjFBwtuS6N
— Karl Smallwood (@KarlSmallwood) July 6, 2016
[For this tweet I’m a dipshit with no understanding of history or power structures]
Everyone should just be nice to each other. The end.
— PONCHO MARTINEZ (@PREMIUMPOMPOM) July 8, 2016
Do we all agree there is a 100% chance an earlier version of this machine killed Belle’s mom pic.twitter.com/UUmmccEURL
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) July 2, 2016
I thought I saw The Hamburglar on the street but it was just some other hamburglar
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 1, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
