Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 16, 2016
“Sugar Pie Honey Bunch” first draft pic.twitter.com/gndWxagC1P
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) July 19, 2016
God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.
Angel *writing*: ants… tiny… got it.
God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) July 17, 2016
not always the biggest fan of sequels but… pic.twitter.com/tphhfzBMyh
— ©hris™ (@ChrisTrauma) July 14, 2016
Fabric is named for its inventor, Fabulous Richard
— Dan gagliardi (@asimplemachine) November 2, 2015
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 30, 2016
The worst thing about being an adult & not a kid is that no one stands behind you when you’re being an asshole mouthing “she’s just hungry.”
— (((maura quint))) (@behindyourback) January 16, 2016
I like how they both look equally confused about this activity pic.twitter.com/W5ivzsgeOT
— glory (@ifeelglorious) July 26, 2016
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 25, 2016
DATING TIP: If you fill up a backpack with hot bread and wear it to bed it feels like spooning
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 27, 2015
Saying “Prove it” to a drunk person will result in awesomeness.
— Michael T Kennedy (@MichaelTKennedy) May 8, 2011
A fun thing to do when someone posts a photo of their pet is to offer to buy it, then insist, then become so hostile that they unfriend you
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 24, 2016
I have a name. pic.twitter.com/pPaQDJY7zy
— Carey O’Donnell (@ecareyo) February 23, 2016
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
— Spazio (@Spaziotwat) January 5, 2016
girls call me Zubat cause it’s impossible to tell how distant I am and I’m not really worth the effort anyway
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) July 26, 2016
The guy in the bathroom with me is having trouble getting his pee started because he thinks I’m listening. He’s right. I’m listening
— GarySnarkmail (@MichaelSmartGuy) July 26, 2016
meghan trainor’s musical genre is ‘jc penney commercial’
— Chelsea Fagan (@Chelsea_Fagan) July 14, 2016
But can it Hamburger Help me pay my student loans
— Krista Doyle (@Krista_Doyle) March 1, 2015
(after eating the entire bread basket on a first date) no i wont be ordering anything, please bring us more bread though
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 25, 2016
“Yeah Ima listen to your soundcloud bro I got you.” pic.twitter.com/xRthLZnJef
— glory (@ifeelglorious) July 22, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
