Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
so Ryan Lechte gets robbed at the Olympics & everyone talks about it, but when Gangnam Style got robbed at the Grammys y’all were silent?
— adam crouch (@TheHoshuah) August 16, 2016
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
him: what’s wrong?
me: nothing i’m fine
[we live a long prosperous life together]
me kneeling at his casket: i just think it’s funny how-— errkuh (@hairicaaa) July 25, 2016
Therapist: have u tried to harm yourself before
Me: one time I read the comments of a YouTube video I was in— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) August 5, 2016
my fave part of “the godfather” is when his mustache turns into a tree pic.twitter.com/1cCG2mNSM9
— brandon soderberg (@notrivia) August 22, 2016
I need to do some good deeds or my obituary is going to be all about the time I accidentally drove that train out of the museum.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 15, 2016
There’s a lot of bitterness on this truck driver meme page pic.twitter.com/PiYUt67axm
— orin (@orin_anne) May 13, 2016
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 20, 2016
If you were at Florida for all of 2007, you shared a campus with:
Ryan Lochte
Cam Newton
Tim Tebow
Joakim Noah
Aaron HernandezSo weird.
— Stephen Schramm (@stephenschramm) August 19, 2016
Stop pretending Cinderella had a happy ending. She ended up with a guy who threw a party so women could audition to be his wife.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) August 20, 2016
Wizards probably don’t use Voldemort’s name because they don’t want a bunch of unhinged Death Eater randos popping up in their mentions.
— Katie Coyle (@krcoyle) August 20, 2016
Lovely, then ominous pic.twitter.com/i9Ug4uOrGB
— jonronson (@jonronson) August 15, 2016
The coolest dog ever is not allowed: pic.twitter.com/lHXk4yKLb9
— CrankyPappy (@CrankyPappy) June 27, 2015
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
— Shawn (@online_shawn) October 9, 2014
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
— Boog (@BoogTweets) July 2, 2016
Date an RV https://t.co/ZBXNND9yqT
— Matthew (@matthewtreaves) August 9, 2016
I love that euphoric feeling you get after a really good workout so that’s why I try to set aside at least an hour each day to do drugs.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) August 16, 2016
asking for a friend pic.twitter.com/AAJtJSFpyX
— tinybaby (@tinybaby) August 20, 2016
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
— Spazio (@Spaziotwat) May 15, 2016
we really did take myspace for granted. i am sick of having to do this every weekend pic.twitter.com/ftl50YFlo7
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 21, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
