This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

Another week, another batch of hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.

Follow @robfee on Twitter.

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

— Matt McElaney (@MattMcElaney) September 2, 2016

pic.twitter.com/DSnT6s4twb

— ◢ M I K E D I V A ◣ (@mikediva) August 29, 2016

“Think about it…..who closes the door after the bus driver gets off?….. Crazy, right?…” pic.twitter.com/ym8PxIAvKg

— A. (@FreshAir_In) August 29, 2016

Ultimately the message of all self-help books is, “If you were a totally different person, you could have a different life.”

— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) September 3, 2016

pass me the blunt so i can throw it away and call the cops

— irag war lo key thic (@HumanPog) September 3, 2016

MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN pic.twitter.com/RfrkI9qPa1

— saw ur tweet. u ok? (@KasaiREX) September 4, 2016

Everyone in Florida, please stay safe tonight. Not because of the hurricane. Just cuz you live in Florida

— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) September 2, 2016

When your deadbeat dad picks you up for the weekend pic.twitter.com/9YA7AXvJI0

— Potna B (@MyPotnaB) August 28, 2016

all u kids starting school i hope u do well! good luck u deserve an A+. and if u dropped out that’s cool too hope ur music career works out

— spicyboy (@shawnwasabi) August 31, 2016

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

— Andy Sandford (@AndySandford) August 27, 2016

opinions are like assholes. there are special sites on the internet where you can see really messed up ones

— DougExeter (@DougExeter) August 30, 2016

Maybe Odell Beckham Jr had watched an episode of Girls and assumed Lena Dunham doesn’t talk to black people

— Petty Friedan (@jneslo) September 2, 2016

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 30, 2016

CBS really should have switched the tag lines for Kevin James new sitcom and the new MacGyver… pic.twitter.com/VEbbL2B6LK

— Chrissy Shackelford (@ChrissySh) August 29, 2016

Rest in Peas https://t.co/qwl4TCTJNL

— Moe Alayan (@MoeAlayan) May 22, 2016

Emily Ratajowski is always alone by a pool.

— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) August 28, 2016

Still laughing at this terrible memorial for Gene Wilder pic.twitter.com/VYZaXgC307

— Amy Wood (@amy_wood) September 1, 2016

If Carly Rae Jepsen

& my man

both dying

and I can only save one

catch me at his funeral

listening to E•MO•TION

— jake (@HUNTYCHAN) August 30, 2016