Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets compiled for your viewing pleasure. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 10-14-16
My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day
— opeimu (@iamopeimu) October 10, 2016
— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) October 12, 2016
Great news! We are launching an exciting, new, company-wide, time wasting program!
-Every HR Department
— Goats? (@Gooooats) October 11, 2016
My life goal is to be described as a “chic normal” pic.twitter.com/RRmXQcxkUx
— Sam Lansky (@samlansky) October 9, 2016
this is my 1st time babysitting & idk where i went wrong but my niece is currently asleep on her head
do i call the parents or the exorcist pic.twitter.com/bGaTCFSiCz
— Mikaela Long (@MikaelaLong) October 9, 2016
oh man rip dollar loan center, gone too soon pic.twitter.com/QNB9d0pMfg
— Jhorts (Juice Demon) (@JhonRules) October 8, 2016
I do my cardio just like everyone else, by doing the Cupid Shuffle vigorously until completion (both sexually and physically)
— Sydney (@yendys1) October 8, 2016
New theory I’ve been working on regarding edibles pic.twitter.com/pQrPWOcOMy
— Asher (@ashergr) October 6, 2016
chipotle employee: white or brown rice
frank underwood: (to camera) the rice is irrelevant. but for now i’ll play his game.
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 6, 2016
I dedicate Halloween to one of the heroes we lost this year. Miss u everyday, Adult Purple Rock Star 🙁 pic.twitter.com/Yrnjfh6KJx
— Joe Berkowitz (@JoeBerkowitz) October 11, 2016
hello who want a alcohol im dog pic.twitter.com/yUB6IqBbKl
— adam (@burgerkrang) November 24, 2014
when u realize humans cut down birds houses to make birdhouses pic.twitter.com/eORflTs4Vs
— vibethriller (@vibethriller) October 11, 2016
This election has finally pushed me too far. I’m in a Facebook argument with someone named Ashli
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) October 8, 2016
My daughter saved me as ” lol…” on her phone, I carried this human for 41 weeks and 2 days only to be saved as lol pic.twitter.com/CKMLQ4avzA
— Hosikati (@Lalla_May) June 29, 2016
At my sister’s baby shower. Made my future niece a bib.
She gonna know the truth. pic.twitter.com/5O1iAECBso
— Ol’ QWERTY Bastard (@TheDiLLon1) October 9, 2016
I ain’t NEVER seen no shit like this in my damn near 29 years on this Earth pic.twitter.com/3KJ82cOwLB
— нacĸary вιnх (@HitDaBoogiez) October 9, 2016
I’m pretty sure this license plate on Pennsylvania Avenue means exactly what I think it means. pic.twitter.com/jEO6QVMiQa
— Hedley Lamarr (@dcmadness202) October 8, 2016
Child: “Ma, say hey to snapchat”
Mom: pic.twitter.com/ixkYyhub5G
— TheGemini™ (@chrxstianh__) October 8, 2016
A RACCOON CAN FIND TIME TO SWEEP THE FLOOR BUT YOU CANT TAKE TIME TO TEXT BACK pic.twitter.com/hW8bI7goJg
— Cute Emergency (@CuteEmergency) October 11, 2016
I just remembered Mitt Romney ironing his clothes while wearing them and going ‘ouch, ow, ouch’ https://t.co/RkVu2wZVlB
— Andrew Dunn (@AnndraADunn) October 11, 2016
