Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets compiled for your viewing pleasure. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 11-4-16:
omg deleteee I look so fat do not submit that to national geographic I swear to god randy pic.twitter.com/pWfQJ4wPxw
— gary from teen mom (@garyfromteenmom) October 27, 2016
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
— Mat (@MatCro) October 31, 2016
— pandatoria (@pandatoria) October 30, 2016
when you realize the statue of mona lisa looks like keith urban pic.twitter.com/Fh1iDxBvBf
— alani (@aussiebands) October 30, 2016
Netflix has the worst movie selection ever no wonder everyone just starts having sex instead
— Roman (@rrmebb) October 25, 2016
Yo mama is so fat she should check out https://t.co/Et3fXwke7D they’re making wonderful strides in aggregating health solutions God bless
— Sal Vulcano (@SalVulcano) October 31, 2016
fucking roasted pic.twitter.com/mj6CS0mDz0
— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) October 30, 2016
doctor: I’m sorry
me: HI SORRY IM DAD
doctor: but ur parents didn’t survive
me: [crying]
doctor: I’m deeply-
me: [still crying] HI DEE
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 3, 2016
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) October 29, 2016
Silent Hill Story:
-why am I in this normal town
-monster!
-no some cult was the monster
-surprise
-no I am the monster
-(hidden dog ending)— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) October 29, 2016
Cop: *arresting me* anything you say will be held against y-
Me: your boobs
Cop: *as i motorboat him* i hate the constitution
— rudy mustang (@roostermustache) November 1, 2016
still thinking about Henry’s brutal post-mortem burn on his wife pic.twitter.com/XhikAJngKL
— Duncan Fyfe (@DuncanFyfe) October 26, 2016
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
— molly (@MollySneed) July 25, 2016
When your ex says, “Happy one year anniversary” to their new significant other and y’all broke up 8 months ago pic.twitter.com/TRQJJotrqY
— spooky chauncey (@chauncey_murphy) July 16, 2016
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
— YaHell (@elle91) October 26, 2016
Hands up You’re Under Arrest For Being Beautiful! pic.twitter.com/rmQLLhJtSL
— (@ryanbarrisbased) July 23, 2016
[tries okcupid for 24 hours] pic.twitter.com/wdDRQqrmdO
— jennmoneydollars (@jennschiffer) October 28, 2016
me: wow this sandwich is great
person who studied abroad in Europe 30 years ago: not as great as the one i had in Barthelona ….
— manu (@Bonjour_Manuela) October 17, 2016
Dressed up as Megan from Bridesmaids.. tried to do her signature plane pose and kicked a hole in the wall… IN CROCS??? Hate my life pic.twitter.com/WKHpjn5NUt
— Molly (@mollylee31) October 28, 2016
Jesus, this kills me.. pic.twitter.com/VmJRPMfrev
— Dana Gould (@danagould) October 27, 2016
