Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets compiled for your viewing pleasure. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 11-11-16:
honest preschool report cards would all be like “Connor eats Kleenex out of the garbage and every rocket ship he draws looks like a dick”
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) November 5, 2016
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) September 11, 2014
every single day i send my mom a very strange text and every day she responds with something absurdly optimistic and kind pic.twitter.com/zwZwW41QA0
— delaney keefe (@delaney_keefe) November 7, 2016
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
— ÜRSÜLÄ(S) (@3sunzzz) October 24, 2016
me last night: why are ppl mad abt daylight savings? gimme that extra hour of sleep!
me walking outside today at 3pm: pic.twitter.com/bKYFY5wWYU— Spirit Cooked Away (@missunitedface) November 6, 2016
me: i hate drama
the internet: watch this penguin beat up another penguin who was cheating with his penguin wife
me: pic.twitter.com/acVjy8kdTs
— Sam Stryker (@sbstryker) November 5, 2016
great perspective here from malfoy and longbottom pic.twitter.com/8dnYdpKEzn
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) November 7, 2016
democracy is this cool system where you yell at people online for 6 months and then people in Ohio and Florida pick the president
— Albro (@bromanconsul) June 14, 2016
If your boyfriend isn’t treating you right, let that. pic.twitter.com/xU1OhDHpNZ
— Wholesome Blackman#1 (@Youngadolf_) June 26, 2016
I always carry a banjo with me so in case I’m ever chased by the cops I can play my own getaway music
— Böb El Diablo Jänke (@Bob_Janke) September 29, 2016
okay how my mom just gonna close down the living room for a month ?? pic.twitter.com/ALDzJbC8AK
— nick denbow (@nickdenbow11) November 5, 2016
Saturday night is wild pic.twitter.com/CPDMnJz4U0
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) November 6, 2016
be the boys you wish to see back in town
— old ghoul hex hell (@runolgarun) February 4, 2016
Apple juice https://t.co/lvZpQR6oRI
— alex (@rainymondays) October 31, 2016
females get in the passenger seat and act like they cosigned on the whip. feet all on the dash, 14 cords plugged into her phone. stressful.
— Greg (@BankRolllGreg) November 2, 2016
Smh……….they caught Soulja Boy flexing in his new crib like he paid $6,000,000 for it … turns out it’s just a rental off airbnb. pic.twitter.com/YaRgaxzTrP
— DJ Akademiks (@IamAkademiks) November 2, 2016
i’m so down to earth i’m basically in hell
— miel (@miel) November 4, 2016
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) April 3, 2014
America in a Nutshell
pic.twitter.com/Upoxxwm4aB— azeem (@azeemnextdoor) May 18, 2016
I hate when I get wrapped up like a douche in the middle of the night.
— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) October 21, 2016
