Photo: grinvalds (Getty).
Sometimes in this rough and tumble world, we find ourselves jaded; numb to the touch of once-exciting pleasures. So we adapt, and find new things to tickle our fancy. Sometimes we choose the wrong things. These dudes chose sticking things up inside their pee holes (well,except one). We urge you not to go down this path. The following stories about objects removed from penises could save your life. At the very least, they’ll scare you away from this particular brand of activity.
10 Objects Removed From Penises:
Public Service Announcement: Don’t put things in your penis hole, guys.
Had enough? Seriously?! Why not? Alright, you asked for it: 10 Absolutely Brutal Ways Men Have Injured Their Penises
Objects Removed From Penises
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Fork
In 2013, a 70-year-old Australian man was feeling frisky. So he shoved a four-inch fork in his wiener. Twelve hours later, he was under general anesthesia while Canberra doctors used forceps and "copious lubrication" to dislodge the utensil. It was such a weird case that they wrote about it in the International Journal of Surgery. They concluded "that the human mind is inhibited, let alone creative." Here's the report itself, which includes a picture of them yanking the pesky fork out (Warning: very NSFW--no seriously, don't look at it. And you did).
Photo: International Journal of Surgery
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Wedding Ring
November 2016 marked the time that a man in South Africa put a ring on it. His penis, of course. The 28-year-old was tragically without a penis ring, so he improvised. He poked his willy through the wedding ring and eventually it became turgid. So turgid, in fact, that he was unable to remove the ring. So he called on Mom.
Yes, his mother drove him to the hospital. We can conclude that the man either had very large fingers or a spaghetti dong. The good news is he made a full recovery. His wife and mother (probably) weren't so lucky. This case was also published in the South African Medical Journal, and we once again implore you not to look-- and you did. What the hell is wrong with you?
Photo: Imgur
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Chopstick
It seems November 2016 was a special month, because besides a wedding ring, it was also the month a Chinese man stuck a chopstick up his urethra to investigate blood in his urine. We don't know why he would think shoving a chopstick up his penis could diagnose the reason blood was in his urine, but we respect the balls. The man, known only in the media as Chen, slid the 7-inch steel object in there until he reached the rectal wall. Doctors say that if he pushed it any further, it would've proven fatal. So in a sense, Chen was fortunate.
Photo: Daily Mail Online
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Jump Rope
Before we begin, let me assure you this story is real. Tired of jumping rope, and tired of plain old sexual escapades in general, a middle-aged man in Yichang City, China, got a tad too experimental in 2014. He put a jump rope 10 centimeters into his penis. He was only bothered by the fact that later on it became too painful to pee. A urologist named Dr. Dong--seriously, we wish we were making this up—pulled the 4.4 millimeter thick (4.4 millimeters too thick) exercise instrument from his urethra and bladder, and he was right as rain in the morning.
Photo: Shanghai Daily
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Eel
Also in China, a man named Zhang Nan wanted to bathe with live eels with the belief that it would make him look 10 years younger. How? The eels would feast on his dead skin, creating a new sheen to his aging physique. But one eel had other plans.
"I climbed into the bath and I could feel the eels nibbling my body. But then I suddenly felt a severe pain and realized a small eel had gone into the end of my penis," Nan said. "I tried to hold it and take it out, but the eel was too slippery to be held and it disappeared up my penis."
Please keep reading.
The 56-year-old fled to the hospital. After a three-hour operation, they removed the slimy serpent from his manhood. Tragically, the eel died.
Photo: CEN
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12 Screws
Two months ago, an anonymous Redditor posted an image (seen here) with a caption "Man Passes Out Drunk, Disgruntled Girlfriend Shoves 12 Screws Up His Penis." The story was quickly picked up by the likes of Elite Daily, Distractify, and well, Mandatory. While we can't verify the truthiness of such a tale, we can't help but believe it due to the reality of Lorena Bobbitt and other vindictive females taking out their rage on the penises of innocent men.
Photo: Reddit
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Cock Ring
In what is perhaps the most illustrative article ever produced, Mirror reported on a Thai man who had bad luck one Wednesday. He wanted to sexually pleasure himself with a penis ring. As was his misfortunate, he became slowly erected, misjudged the size of his own piece and the ring eventually strangled his penis. He could not remove it.
So he called emergency services. Volunteer rescue worker Jack Bansakul said, "The man put the metal alloy ring on his penis for some kind of sex game at home. I'm not sure if it was one he'd bought from a shop or something he found in the garage. But he hadn't measured himself properly and when his penis expanded he could not remove it." We'd like to know why he'd want to volunteer for this.
It took three hours to crack open the ring. Hot, soapy water and pliers didn't work. A hacksaw didn't work. So they commandeered heavy machinery in the form of bolt cutters. Imagine for an instant the sheer terror being on the receiving end of such an operation. Wondrously, the man recovered. He will likely never use a penis ring again.
Photo: Dewsbury / Jakchai Banyensakul
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The Penis Itself
One tragic February in 2014, a 56-year-old named Johnny Lee Banks Jr. made an appointment to have a late-in-life circumcision. He was scheduled to have his foreskin amputated at Princeton Baptist Medical Center. Full disclaimer: If you live in Alabama, never go to Princeton Baptist Medical Center. Lee Banks Jr. awoke from the surgery only to find his penis clean gone from his body. The doctors cut it off. "My client is devastated," Attorney John P. Graves said.
Yeah, we bet. As of 2016, even after two lawsuits, we have yet to see reports about monetary compensation being rewarded to Lee Banks Jr. Moral of the story? Life isn't fair.
Photo: WVTM 13
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Telephone Wire
The job of a genitourinary surgeon is a tough one. It involves random, unaccountable freak occurrences and dealing with them like a professional. There are myriad case reports of men shoving foreign bodies inside of themselves via penis, and here is one study. (very NSFW—fine, go ahead and click through.)
The unnamed man used thin pieces of telephone wire to stimulate his genitals. After masturbation, he'd pull the wire out and carry on with his day. He did this for three years until one day he inserted it in too far. Fortunately, it was able to be removed by doctors without surgery. Unfortunately, it became stuck in the first place because after being jammed so far up the man's dong that it reached the urinary bladder, it became knotted.
Photo: Journal of Medical Case Reports
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USB Cable
We recently reported on a Chinese man who gently pushed 20 centimeters of a USB cord into his urethra. Likewise, it was all for pleasure. But pleasure would turn into pain. A doctor who administered the procedure to remove it said, "He found a video online that taught him how to sexually stimulate himself with a charging cable, so he inserted one into his urethra." Drunk and horny, the unnamed Chinese man sobered up quite fast.
Photo: AsiaWire
