Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / Born Miserable (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 2-3-17
My ex said I was the most jealous man she knew…
Confirming my suspicions about her knowing other men.
— Ben (@0point5twins) May 21, 2015
“What? No I didn’t say anything. I farted….
Hey. I’ve got a sixer of warm Coors in my desk. Wanna get fucked up and then arrest the NBA?” pic.twitter.com/8RjLJSRC9z— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) January 31, 2017
damn no wonder jimmy neutron was best friends with carl he got that WAGON boi pic.twitter.com/32zWfIOSw6
— ㅤ (@IIlegalize) October 10, 2016
The cool thing about snowflakes is that enough of them can turn into a pretty fucking dangerous avalanche
— Robby Slowik (@RobbySlowik) January 21, 2017
can’t get sad about people if you isolate yourself and don’t talk to anyone ever pic.twitter.com/XYujubZLo1
— seren (@serenxm) January 29, 2017
I don’t know if vegetables feel pain when we eat them. I’d like to think they do
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) January 2, 2017
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) July 12, 2016
Life’s too short to have racist Facebook friends
— brian essbe (@SortaBad) January 30, 2017
When you are a minority and see someone say the first time they were ashamed of America was in 2017 pic.twitter.com/B802uT8kXu
— Matthew A. Cherry (@MatthewACherry) January 30, 2017
Ladies you only have $5 to build the perfect man,wyd:
Smart $500
Funny $70
Athletic $150
Bees $2
Are dying at an alarming rate save them $3— chicken nugget luvr (@cybernating) January 30, 2017
— Vic Berger IV (@VicBergerIV) January 31, 2017
Obama: Hey y’all I’m back from vaca-
America: pic.twitter.com/HvWNT6Hnq2— leshaa (@_lesharenee) January 29, 2017
Saw a naked homeless guy in the middle of the street screaming “WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE!” I’ve never related to anybody more in my life.
— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) November 18, 2016
Paula Abdul Jabbar
— Mike Falzone (@MikeFalzone) January 26, 2017
*sighs* Well, who knows? If I try harder, I might be reincarnated as a lonely virgin hiding behind a cartoon frog. pic.twitter.com/EbocdxfJ5o
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) January 30, 2017
I was just next to a car chase where the guy being chased used his turn signal while fleeing the police. That’s polite as hell lol
— Nick Cave, EGOT (@surfbordt) January 31, 2017
The best part of my day is always the 30 seconds after I wake up in the morning, before I remember the world is falling apart.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) January 29, 2017
G-d bless the internet. pic.twitter.com/uQ9YcBSL7q
— Trevor Leaderbrand (@TrevLeaderbrand) January 30, 2017
Being Canadian right now is like watching your big brother get his license and then immediately drive the family car into a liquor store.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 28, 2017
horse pic.twitter.com/9UK8xE4KsG
— Trump Draws (@TrumpDraws) January 31, 2017
