Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / Line Art Lionheart (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 3-3-17
zoom into the dog nose pic.twitter.com/pW791P7c0t
— snck (@SNCKPCK) February 25, 2017
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) January 7, 2015
Kids, you may think drugs are “cool,” but the truth is only certain ones are
— Reticent Turnip (@ReticentTurnip) February 16, 2015
The best thing about being a baby or elderly is that you can dress as a sailor every day.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) January 31, 2017
oh wow, I didn’t know Will Smith was still rapping, or that he did the credits rap for Arrival. wonder why this didn’t get nominated #Oscars pic.twitter.com/RxTYNk28MK
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) February 26, 2017
“What would you do if you got cheated on?”
Me: pic.twitter.com/Zdn7W2Bmkz
— Sex (@sexuaIfeed) February 16, 2017
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) February 21, 2015
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) August 19, 2016
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) May 24, 2016
me: “y’know, you don’t have to put bump mapping on every texture”
Nintendo: “shtu the fuck up. fucjk you” pic.twitter.com/eDDbitpj1z
— Nick Robinson (@Babylonian) February 23, 2017
*plays air guitar*
*injects air heroin*— cos (@cosminaut) February 11, 2014
We aren’t ALL chained to the rhythm Katy, some of us are chained to a radiator… and to a concrete block… in my basement?
— Tyson Ritter (@tysonritter) February 24, 2017
Internalized sexism: All these years, I’ve just assumed Dr. Pepper was a man.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) October 7, 2015
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
— Line Art Lionheart (@notalogin) May 25, 2016
How long did this interview last? pic.twitter.com/fVbOmc7isG
— driscoll (@driscoll324) February 25, 2017
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES— Brosephine Wires (@JoParkerBear) March 1, 2016
DEVELOPING. Huge if true pic.twitter.com/eFQHlDznAU
— Tilton Raccoon (@tilton_raccoon) February 24, 2017
Best dm of my life @yashar pic.twitter.com/Kqn21nEXfX
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 25, 2017
This made me smile. Who did she vote for? https://t.co/jtaactzXSr
— Yung (@YungYinkv) February 23, 2017
“Hmmm, ah, yesofcourse. *single clap* That is superb. You, ah. HA! Yes, well.” – Jeff Goldblum orgasming.
— chRis (@seethenare) April 25, 2016
