Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @SortaBad (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 9-29-17
Wife: you are such an idiot
Me: what’s a nidiot
Wife:
Me: what is it
Wife:
Me: what’s a nidiot Linda
Wife: *leaves*
Me:
Me: *googles nidiot*— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) September 26, 2017
[first date]
HER: i like guys who don’t take life too seriously
ME: i’m wanted for murder in 3 states
— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) September 28, 2017
“What would you do if you had 280 characters?”
“I tell you what I’d do man… two tweets at the same time, man.” pic.twitter.com/iXGnHfZT1n
— Larry Wright (@refocusedmedia) September 27, 2017
— Grace (@GemOfAmara) September 28, 2017
[movie theatre]
STRANGER: What are you going to watch?
ME: Oh my no. I’m only here for the floor popcorn
— mo (@chuuew) September 21, 2017
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) September 17, 2017
RIP Hugh Hefner, who 100% helped our parents and grandparents masturbate and now you have to imagine it.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) September 28, 2017
The photo University of Maine used to announce that Stephen King sold his first book is incredible pic.twitter.com/Ajiyp3Hx1E
— TODD SPENCE (@Todd_Spence) September 22, 2017
Young Sheldon pic.twitter.com/CEL6rQ1gk8
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) September 24, 2017
This is 280 characters exactly. COINCIDENCE???? pic.twitter.com/YkkDBgPhRw
— Ryan Nanni (@celebrityhottub) September 26, 2017
i wish this video would go on forever pic.twitter.com/B2QxEQI7QG
— no (@tbhjuststop) September 27, 2017
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) September 27, 2017
280 characters? folks, what is this, game of thrones? LMAOO. seriously though, ive been eating out of my neighbors garbage can for a week now. he caught me last night and hit me with a broom repeatedly until i left. really hoping this GoT joke gets me the big money. please RT
— goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) September 28, 2017
That Steven Seagal pic… pic.twitter.com/d5e3TMkdLa
— Elle Emmenopee (@ElleOhHell) September 27, 2017
2007: i’m drunk, gonna call my ex
2017: i’m drunk, gonna call my senator
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) September 27, 2017
*sees 280*
CONSCIENCE: “don’t do it.”
*still 223 left*
“srsly don’t.”
*closes eyes*
SOME
BODY
ONCE
TOLD
ME
THE
WORLD
IS
GONNA
ROLL
ME
I
AIN’T
THE
SHARPEST
TOOL
IN
THE
SHED
SHE
WAS
LOOKING
KIND
OF
DUMB
WITH
HER
FINGER
AND
HER
THUMB
IN
THE
SHAPE
OF
AN
L
ON
HER
FOREHEAD
WELL,— Sean O’Kane (@sokane1) September 27, 2017
*guy points to my bicep tattoo that says ‘Alright!’*
“What’s that mean?”
Ah. Look:
*shows other bicep tat that says ‘Backstreet’s Back…’*— Licensed Esthetician (@SortaBad) September 18, 2017
mystery solved pic.twitter.com/k47NAgr5xI
— mr. big toblerone (@bijanstephen) September 28, 2017
di—did the cat write this pic.twitter.com/sNOa9A2iIW
— erin chack (@ErinChack) September 28, 2017
Hugh Hefner lived so long that his first wife’s name was Mildred and his last wife’s name was Crystal.
— Tommy (@tommygunz07) September 28, 2017
