Header Photo: Leon Neal (Getty) / @chuuew (Twitter)
Another week (and year, in this one particular case), another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 1-5-18
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
— The Holiday Hype (@TheHyyyype) December 28, 2017
(L) Me at the beginning of 2017
(R) Me at the end of 2017#HappyNewYear2018 pic.twitter.com/kjT77a05N6— @HamillHimself (@HamillHimself) December 31, 2017
Gender neutral guide
Fireman = Firefighter
Policeman = Policefighter
Mailman = Mailfighter
Fisherman = Fisherfighter
— obi (@ThaJawn) December 21, 2017
KID: Dad, what’s the secret to comedy?”
ME: Well, son, it’s- *gets hit by a bus*
[3 days later, at my funeral]
SON: *weeping at my closed casket*
LAWYER: I’m sorry for your loss. Your father wanted you to have this. *hands him a note*
SON: *opens note* Timing.— Ray (@SirEviscerate) January 2, 2018
friend: you’ve already said that joke before
me: pic.twitter.com/kfGirX2d8e— paul rudd (@philsadelphia) December 30, 2017
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) January 3, 2018
When literally anything happens pic.twitter.com/T8F9T2TVYE
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) January 1, 2018
[at interview]
Boss: So, we’ve narrowed it down to you two
Her: *unbuttons blouse a little*
Me: *unzips cargo pants into shorts*
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) December 29, 2017
My 2018 started with an Abraham Lincoln impersonator fighting with an entire G train car over whether Lincoln had slaves, so there’s no way this year not gonna be great! pic.twitter.com/Mvqn7Yi1BO
— 2HAYNEZ (@imandyhaynes) January 1, 2018
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
— mo (@chuuew) January 2, 2018
LOL pic.twitter.com/KZjCOhJxop
— banksy (@thereaIbanksy) December 5, 2017
War pic.twitter.com/QVgf1sqj6m
— jake likes onions (@jakelikesonions) January 3, 2018
lol I’m an idiot pic.twitter.com/EqIo6MBHJl
— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) January 3, 2018
— social media pants (@nick_pants) January 3, 2018
COP: Do you have any idea why I pulled you over?
ME (riding a wildebeest on the highway): Jealousy?— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) January 3, 2018
This is the type of person who inspires me and makes me want to keep fighting for a better world pic.twitter.com/iZc63d8j0b
— Bryan (@MurderBryan) January 3, 2018
Don’t worry officer, it’s not open pic.twitter.com/YdEfFB4636
— THE LEGO COUCH GUY (@ironghazi) January 3, 2018
when ur definitely the real melania pic.twitter.com/kuMyYtnDrp
— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) January 3, 2018
USPS Tracking:
1) Package has left facility
2) We have no fucking idea
3) Package delivered— We$t (@CjayyTaughtHer) December 28, 2017
??? pic.twitter.com/2KvKd7Namu
— Strange Coisas (@StrangeCoisas) January 2, 2018
