Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @jctwritesstuff (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter. That, or try your hand at last week’s funniest tweets again to see if they still got it. Or both. You’re that talented.
Funny Tweets 3-23-18
someone: im 18
me: ok, reasonable
someone: i was born in 2000
me: pic.twitter.com/kuIMOFH9AI— kiana (@watery_day) March 12, 2018
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no— FROVO (@fro_vo) March 20, 2018
thank you for your concern, alec baldwin pinball machine pic.twitter.com/1OxRu6oFRp
— Tristan Cooper (@TristanACooper) March 13, 2018
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
— Devil’s Agvocate 2.0 (aka Michelle) (@MGigger) March 13, 2018
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) March 19, 2018
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
— Mormonger (@Mormonger) March 18, 2018
There’s an episode of Friends where a group of 26 year olds are shocked that they drank 5 bottles of wine between 7 people over an entire evening and honestly that’s way more unrealistic than the massive apartment thing.
— Rebecca Manning Reid (@RebeccaCNReid) January 9, 2018
Ashley you have to be trolling us right now… pic.twitter.com/Z0KgF79w0X
— Jessica Lynn (@vspookygirl) March 18, 2018
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) October 21, 2017
Could be best ever graffiti! pic.twitter.com/hqn8eE5oYt
— Double Z (@DoubleZCreative) March 19, 2018
[First Date]
Me: And what do you do?
Him: I’m in Crisis Management for major disasters.
Me: *tries to impress* I have emergency purse ketchup so I totally get it.— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) March 22, 2018
Marvel: “Infinity War is the most ambitious crossover event in history.”
Me: pic.twitter.com/Kob6RJFSrq
— Roxi Horror (@roxiqt) March 20, 2018
[Restaurant]
ME: This date is going well, I can sense the sexual tension across the tableDATE: um yeah, maybe
GUY SHE’S ON A DATE WITH: look dude, can we just give you our order?
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) March 22, 2018
My sister snapped me this, but I feel like it deserves to be seen by so many more pic.twitter.com/p5QqXgjVPt
— Alyssa (@lyss121) March 21, 2018
optometrist: read the smallest line you can see
me: mr and mrs dursley- is this Harry Potter?
optometrist: please, i can’t afford the audiobooks— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 22, 2018
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There’s like 10 women to each man and they’re already there looking for things they don’t need.
— karmaXo (@Exkarma) March 20, 2018
What I remember most about my neighbor who turned out to be a serial killer is that he was always very loud and never kept to himself. “I’m up to something!” he would shout constantly at my Oscar parties.
— TGB (@twitersgoodboy) March 22, 2018
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it. pic.twitter.com/cpXH6IFuhB
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) March 19, 2018
you’re the worlds no.1 snail expert. the phone rings all day, people demanding snail info now now now. everyone’s in a hurry. you put the phone down very slowly, they just don’t get it, they don’t get it at all.
— John Darby (@mrjohndarby) February 21, 2018
Sociologists agree: Today’s teens are so centered and sane because they weren’t regularly exposed to Genesis’ “Land Of Confusion” video pic.twitter.com/UtptR50GS6
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) March 21, 2018
