Header Photo: LEON NEAL (Getty) / @captainkalvis (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter. That, or try your hand at last week’s funniest tweets again to see if they still got it. Or both. You’re that talented.
Funny Tweets 3-30-18
When you realize you left your drink in the kitchen as soon as you lie down on the couch pic.twitter.com/dydYxPRS2r
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) March 23, 2018
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
— Radsy (@FeelingEuphoric) March 24, 2018
Chicagoans when they visit any other state:
Is this your winter?!?! pic.twitter.com/FCY22oZRtu
— Edamame (@rafialim1) March 22, 2018
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) March 26, 2018
Zapp & Kif present, “Presidential” tweets:
Trump on his school yard bully prowess.@MAURICELAMARCHE pic.twitter.com/rOYUSsPigs— Billy West (@TheBillyWest) March 22, 2018
Pony for sale, sometimes he barks but it’s because he bilingual pic.twitter.com/yeK7TftBzQ
— Ok (@Teflandre) March 22, 2018
Me: were you there that night?
Defendant: where?
Me: where the murder was
Defendant: where was that?
Me: you know
Defendant: how would I know?
Me: because you were there
Defendant: if you know that, YOU must have been there. Did YOU kill him?
Me: *crying* I don’t know
— Dropped Mike (@rebrafsim) March 27, 2018
My dad had other ideas.. pic.twitter.com/SDUMFjyqiq
— *AB*_13 (@allison_barron) March 25, 2018
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*— autumnpaige (@autumnsays_) March 14, 2018
So the Giants trade a man missing some fingers on his hand and are now in position to draft his replacement by the name of Chubb? Interesting little glitch in the matrix, folks. @PFTCommenter pic.twitter.com/4jbSp27Jzr
— Kevin (@Tobiwonkinobe) March 22, 2018
the fast & the furious was shot next to my house and theres always guys comin thru to pay their respects pic.twitter.com/BfnKZ6N3cB
— jack wagner (@jackdwagner) March 14, 2018
i just had a horrible flashback to the pre-spotify days when i used to download all my music with youtube to mp3 converters & manually organize them into itunes albums with album art i found on google images
— emi (@plantblogger) March 20, 2018
That was more just a general commentary on the type of energy I feel when listening to morning shows. https://t.co/NNzyDMjSkC
— Glenn Howerton (@GlennHowerton) March 22, 2018
Bro 1: sup brodawg
Bro 2: broing it out brodiggity.Bro 3: broheims wanna get wasted and let me operate a large water craft then take pictures of bro goals?
Bro 1&2 in unison: BRO pic.twitter.com/Dgf35JSuDb
— Rebranding Under Duress (@crmotwo) March 23, 2018
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
— your bff alex (@psybermonkey) March 26, 2018
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) March 29, 2018
me, 5 minutes after someone doesnt text back: i bet they’re dead
me, 6 minutes after someone doesn’t text back: i hope they’re dead
me, 7 minutes after someone doesn’t text back: a-am I dead?— Kal (@captainkalvis) March 28, 2018
it’s weird that Guillermo del Toro’s fish-banging movie isn’t the one he called Pacific Rim
— new caracompass (@polsydzig) March 24, 2018
Girl on twitter: i treat my man so great lol he can never get sick of my ass
Her man: pic.twitter.com/gUH32hvVlr
— nelly (@nellychillin) March 24, 2018
[Classroom]
Kid (writing on blackboard): “I love dogs”
Teacher: “No Timmy, remember — in cursive.”
Kid scrubs board, writes “I goddamn love fucken dogs!”
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 28, 2018
