Header Photo: Leon Neal (Getty) / @KastroDaOne (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 5-11-18
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
— cluedont (@cluedont) May 5, 2018
Incredible pic.twitter.com/drdvnrBKeh
— popular comedy account “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) May 7, 2018
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
— Viorica Marian (@VioricaMarian1) May 5, 2018
I probably shouldn’t own a computer pic.twitter.com/wSpHMVKA8I
— Kendrick LaBlart (@Hamptonyount) May 8, 2018
The #KentuckyDerby is another reminder that 2 minutes can be exciting. Ladies I’m talkin to you…
— Petty Griffin (@StrongBad328) May 5, 2018
Someone said Blac chyna built like Mewtwo, now I can’t stop seeing this pic.twitter.com/mPLIW7lGSm
— CTS-V (@impalo_) April 26, 2018
[Toy Store]
Customer: I’m looking for a toy that will help my baby learn to count but will also haunt him for the rest of his life.
Me: I got you. pic.twitter.com/EJZxyFIsf4
— Father Drinks McGee (@drinksmcgee) May 10, 2018
Avengers: Infinity Wa pic.twitter.com/5v66yUta1G
— eileen (@neeliemusic) May 8, 2018
Girlfriend: this is my dad, Howard
Me: Hey man… *we lock eyes* Howard you doing
Howard: *maintaining eye contact* Sarah this is the one
— cory (@_coryrichardson) April 13, 2018
how I sleep knowing I am a background character in everyone elses lives and people don’t think about me at all pic.twitter.com/EArArFZCGC
— andreadherbible (@xwinterendsx) May 5, 2018
Now for some visual-minded: When Courtroom Sketch Artists Clearly Don’t Like You
When you lie on your resume and still get the job. pic.twitter.com/9cDBYYcleN
— Bernabe (@Ibarrrra) May 8, 2018
You will never look at a calendar the same way after you watch this pic.twitter.com/YN1MXBxkGe
— Elizabeth (@Elizabethkayem) May 8, 2018
College Logic: A stranger in the library asking you, another stranger in the library to watch their stuff and protect it from other strangers in the library
— Curry Goat Connoisseur (@KastroDaOne) May 6, 2018
Not a fan of the new Harry Potter book pic.twitter.com/eN3tUOM31s
— Helen Ingram (@drhingram) April 22, 2018
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
— Terry F (@daemonic3) February 27, 2018
look how cute chris, zoe and vin are with the kids who played their younger characters in the mcu pic.twitter.com/dhcT5mrFip
— t SAW IW (@peterquillsI) May 2, 2018
i get high on:
life
drugs
that part in come on eileen where it slows down and then speeds up
— kam (@grvmpybean) April 24, 2018
As I carried the nativity scene on my head, I couldn’t help but wonder…if an unborn baby can find three wise men in Bethlehem, how hard could it be for me to meet just one in Manhattan? pic.twitter.com/UMT7IYgP7C
— MARDI (@mardiithomas) May 9, 2018
Cool how most of the greatest natural wonders are just places where the earth broke
— Billy Domineau (@BillyDomineau) April 22, 2018
Poor DJ KHALIDS wife is leaving hints everywhere pic.twitter.com/pkFRi17eOw
— Diedrich Bader (@bader_diedrich) May 7, 2018
