Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @Steve_THFC (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 8-3-18
USPS tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists yet
2. It’s arrived— Katie (@katie_bilotta) July 24, 2018
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 29, 2018
has Tom Cruise seen a movie? pic.twitter.com/9Li0zAq1YB
— Ryan Perez (@ryguyperez) July 30, 2018
Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”— Mariah Hartjes (@mariah_hartjes) July 17, 2018
Boyfriend ~ Are u upset with me ?
Me ~
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes— Being Rashmee (@Rush_Me_Tweets) July 8, 2018
Little secret about me: my answer to the question “would you like a receipt” is based on absolutely nothing and changes all the time
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 30, 2018
If you pretend it’s a screaming robot you push around, vacuuming is actually kind of fun.
— Pasta Fazool (@chrisdowning) July 2, 2018
the uterus is the original 3D printer tbqh
— kim (@KimmyMonte) August 1, 2018
bartender: close the tab?
me: yea
me 5 mins later: pic.twitter.com/03FnESqqMa— gary from teen mom (@garyfromteenmom) July 29, 2018
BANANAS. Did you forget breakfast? It is time for your punishment. Time for a banana.
— Another Tweet From Brad (@Brad_Austin_) August 1, 2018
If only: Are Bananas On The Verge Of Becoming Extinct?
I love how millennials are associated with avocado toast and selfies instead of the fact that we all constantly joke about wanting to die
— Leah Williams Flame Con (@mymonsterischic) July 27, 2018
if i was a professional dominatrix i’d advertise myself as “pro pain and pro pain accessories” and my company would be called kink of the hill
thank you goodbye forever
— Anica Cihla (@AnicaCihla) July 12, 2018
i don’t get how u cheat on a significant other. like how do you get 2 different ppl to like u. how
— touc schrute (@aspiringtoucan) July 2, 2018
unfollow me now if you play the flute, I don’t need that kind of drama in my life. clarinet players can stay but you’re on fucking thin ice
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) April 30, 2018
Mental how the objective of golf is to play as little golf as possible
— steve (@Steve_THFC) July 26, 2018
This wins. pic.twitter.com/M6GGz6JzvB
— Jay Kuo (@nycjayjay) August 1, 2018
Whenever people tailgate me when I’m going 40 in a 35 I always purposely slow down because it’s like I gave you an extra 5 and you didn’t appreciate it so now you get nothing
— Mon (@monschleichs) July 27, 2018
Me: what’s a double entendre
Her: it means two things
Me: ok what’s one of them
— andrews not dead (yet) (@AndrewsNotFunny) July 25, 2018
Me: I want to be better
Depression: *Jedi hand wave* you don’t want to be better
Me: I don’t want to be better
Depression: you want to isolate yourself from those who care about you
Me: I want to isolate myself from those who care about me
Depression: cheese
Me: cheese
— Kyle (@KylePlantEmoji) July 23, 2018
Fuck nudes, send me your best impression of the part in Down With The Sickness where the guy goes “OOO WAH AH AH AH”
— Brian (@_bdw16) July 27, 2018
