Young American Forced to Find a Hobby Without Work, Sports and Travel Weighing Him Down, Thanks to Coronavirus

Not sure if you’ve noticed, but things are a little hairy outside. With the NCAA, NBA and now NHL canceling their seasons, along with a 30-day travel ban, Disneyland closures and countless companies sending their employees home to work remotely during Coronavirus lockdown, one young American has been home all week and is starting to run out of things to binge, which means his worst fears had come true: It was time to get a hobby.

Although hoarding seemed like a popular hobby there for a moment, it became abundantly clear that novel hoarding would prove most difficult to excel at, given the lack of toilet paper and canned goods in store aisles. After carefully considering a list of available hobbies, the young man settled on crocheting, not realizing the “T” is silent and has since been telling all his friends about his new hobby, which sounds more like a compulsive masturbation problem. Unsurprisingly, his friends found that more likely than actual crocheting.

While paper airplanes and pillow fort obstacle courses only lasted a couple of hours, the temptation to learn to play the guitar he’s has for 16 years built until he finally sat down with it, realizing out loud to his cat, Mr. Smithers, “Holy shit, I have absolutely no idea how people play these things.” After several minutes of coughing and wheezing from the “packing dust” that was unsettled by picking up said guitar, the young man made peace that he, too, had coronavirus but was too embarrassed to tell anyone.

He soon soldiered onto baking, where he thought he would “make it up as I go,” only to find that baking has very strict parameters for positive results and that cats are “apparently” not supposed to eat raw cookie dough. After four long hours at the emergency room waiting to hear if Smithers would make it through the day, the doctors warned the young man that this is no time to be learning new things you don’t understand and “why aren’t you wearing a face mask!” until the two returned home with their own individual shame-cones.

With the last hours of sunlight in the day, the two took a series of catnaps together, waiting for the end of days in silence and checking the news feed because, seriously, this daylight savings is screwing up their sleep cycle.

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