Donald Trump goes through lawyers faster than a long haul trucker through a bottle of Tums. But none of his long list of legal superheroes has seduced the entire internet quite so instantly and effortlessly as Bruce Castor (sorry Rudy). It all happened earlier this week when the former District Attorney overwhelmed audiences during the opening of Trump’s second impeachment trial. Like a man shaken awake on a park bench, Castor stood up and delivered what can only be described as the incoherent ramblings of Trump’s last line of defense.
Just before entering the courtroom, Castor tipped reporters as to what would happen next. “I’m not Ken Starr or Alan Dershowitz. You’re not going to get a law professor’s explanation,” Castor said. “I’m a guy who gets up in court and talks.”
By minute two, he was establishing his mental prowess, “The other day when I was down here in Washington, I came down earlier in the week to try to figure out how to find my way around…I got lost then and I still do.”
He then went on to highlight the importance of word choice. “And if we go down the road… the flood gates will open. I was going to say it well, instead of flood gates, I was going to say originally it will release the whirlwind, which is a biblical reference. But I subsequently learned since I got here that that particular phrase has already been taken, so I figured I’d better change it to flood gates.”
Confused yet? Let our favorite tweets explain the beauty of Castor’s meanderings better than words alone ever could.
Cover Photo: Congress.gov (Getty Images)
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Bruce Castor looking at his notes for his opening argument… #ImpeachmentTrial pic.twitter.com/Nag36vLHC0
— Jenny Tanis (@jmctanis) February 9, 2021
I can’t say how I obtained this document but here are Bruce Castor’s notes: pic.twitter.com/R6S2Qw376Q
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) February 9, 2021
DID HE ACTUALLY JUST LABEL SOME POINTS “A” AND “2”
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) February 9, 2021
If my lawyer read a poem and then cried I would just assume I’m getting life in prison
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) February 9, 2021
Never had this meme fit more perfectly than today. #BruceCastor #recordplayers pic.twitter.com/5BapTD4LMo
— jennyrice (@jennyrice) February 10, 2021
Bruce Castor making his opening statement. pic.twitter.com/JX25zdokBd
— Matt Fuller (@MEPFuller) February 9, 2021
I was better than this guy at Mock Trial when I was 16.
— Elie Mystal (@ElieNYC) February 9, 2021
Bruce Castor, Trump Defense attorney, delivers opening argument about the Constitutionality of impeachment: https://t.co/EGn7ifp4cu
— Morrigoon (@Morrigoon) February 9, 2021
— Aram Jabbari (@aramjabbari) February 9, 2021
Everyone has taken a class where they didn’t understand the assignment and tried to bullshit their way through the book report.
Bruce Castor is everyone.
— Michael Harriot (@michaelharriot) February 9, 2021
Bruce Castor: “Nebraska, you’re going to hear, is quite a judicial thinking place”
Cashier: Sir, this is a Wendy’s.
— Kevin Conte (@KevinConte) February 10, 2021
Rudy Giuliani: “I’m the worst lawyer in America!”
Bruce Castor: “Hold my word salad!”
— Joshua Gale (@joshuafett75) February 10, 2021
If Trump was still on Twitter he would already have tweeted out by now that he fired Bruce Castor.
— Zack Hunt (@ZaackHunt) February 9, 2021
Bruce Castor what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened
— ＭＡＴＴＨＥＷ • ＡＲＹ (@MatthewAryCEO) February 9, 2021
Frustrated Bruce Castor finally comes up with a good opening argument in the shower hours later.
— Richard Jeter (@MilesToGo13) February 10, 2021
All in all, “We had a good day,” Bruce told the media afterward. If by “we” he means Twitter, then yes, we had a good day. However, there was one man who didn’t have a good day. According to eyewitness accounts, Trump was “screaming” at the TV for the entirety of Castor’s performance. God bless this man.
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