Well, it looks like mansplaining is back. Just when we thought we’d seen the last dude expound on the inner workings of why women shouldn’t be allowed to make their own decisions, a leaked SCOTUS document to overturn Roe v. Wade has unretired the male pastime in stunning fashion. The document, written by white conservative Justice Samuel Alito attempts to explain why a 72-year-old man with zero pregnancies thinks abortion rights should no longer be protected under the Constitution.
“The inescapable conclusion is that a right to abortion is not deeply rooted in the Nation’s history and traditions,” Alito writes before taking a break to pleasure himself with an oil painting of the Founding Fathers. After much exertion, he goes on to mansplain how “Some such supporters have been motivated by a desire to suppress the size of the African American population,” pausing to savor his refractory period by re-reading his laws supporting voter suppression (Shelby County v. Holder & Brnovich v. DNC), and his recent conversation suggesting that Maine schools teaching Critical Race Theory should be defunded.
But don’t be surprised by Alito’s decision to bring back mansplaining. The born-again virgin has a long history of bad judgment, with a particular losing streak against women’s rights. (For a brief examination, see Ledbetter v. Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co and Burwell v. Hobby Lobby Stores.)
Funny how the separation of Church and State is super important to the guy except in the case of abortion, whose opponent’s entire argument is predicated on religious ideology. What can we say? He’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma stuffed inside the puckered asshole of Samuel Alito’s deadened flesh.
While the 98-page leaked document is labeled a “majority opinion” it’s important to remember nothing has been officialized yet. So before any final decisions are made regarding the liberties of women in America, we’d like to submit new evidence for consideration vis-à-vis our closing argument on why abortion must exist.
Dear SCOTUS, we hope you find the following facts very compelling in the matter of Alito v. No More Mansplaining By Old White Men.
Cover Photo: Chip Somodevilla (Getty Images)
Justice Alito Abortion
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Hitler
Low hanging fruit? Hey, it's still fruit.
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Mitch McConnell
Mississippi is pushing for an abortion ban after 15 weeks. But what about in the case of a mutant turtle who drunkenly mated with a dirty sock one fateful night in 1942? What about then, Mississippi?
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Nickelback
Whatever misgivings anyone has about abortion, three minutes of Nickelback ought to change their mind.
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Kim Jong-un
According to Team America (which we've verified is 100 percent historically accurate), Jong-un's father was so lonely he would have mated with a cactus. If only he had. We'd take the cactus kid any day.
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Sten Gustaf Thulin
(The man who invented single-use plastic bags.) And not even for his role in the needless polluting of the planet. But for his contribution to this scene in American Beauty.
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Vladimir Putin
"Russia's Sexiest Man" title aside, even he knows the world would be better off without him.
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Donald Trump
Some people just make the world an uglier place. And not because of their actions but because of their actual face.
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Mark Zuckerberg
Do you want us to explain this one here or in the metaverse?
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Samuel Alito
Justice Alito might be the worst thing to ever come out of New Jersey. And that includes The Torso Killer, Snookie, and the smell coming off the Turnpike. We rest our case, Your Honors.
