When you think of big, tough, macho senators, Lindsey Graham is the absolute last dude that comes to mind. His desperate attempts to cover up his complete and utter lack of manliness are as transparent as Amber Heard’s attention-seeking. Senator Graham is so deep in the closet that he’s having conversations with the ghost of Harvey Milk.
This dude is also completely without a spine. Case in point, in 2016 Graham famously told Wolf Blitzer, “The more you know about Donald Trump, the less likely you are to vote for him. The more you know about his business enterprises, the less successful he looks. The more you know about his political giving, the less Republican he looks. We should have done this months ago.”
It turns out that Trump had the best presidential pet in Graham. Graham pretty much cucked for Trump no matter what morally repugnant things he did. This has led many to believe that Graham was being blackmailed by Trump and Putin. After all, his opinions changed radically after his emails were hacked by Russia. Could there have been certain pics or exchanges between Lady Graham and certain gentlemen callers? Or perhaps Lindsey is hiding a Grindr account? Regardless, the dirt has to be pretty epic.
Well, in honor of this spineless politician, we’ve brainstormed five occupations that he’d be better suited for.
Cover Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)
5 Occupations Lindsey Graham Might Be Better Suited For
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1. Flight Attendant
A few minutes listening to Graham speak and he instantly sounds like he should be delivering in-flight demos on wearing a seatbelt. His Southern belle voice would be perfect for it, and Lord knows he knows a thing or two about disasters after having simped for Trump.
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2. Disney Princess
Everything right-wingers do is accidentally hilarious, and Graham thinking he's masculine is one of those things. The guy is about as masculine as a 12-year-old cheerleader. So what better role for this drama queen than a Disney princess, although he might upset Florida Governor Ron Desantis.
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3. Walmart Greeter
No offense to octogenarian Walmart greeters, but we really see Graham rocking this gig. After all, he has the disingenuous, shit-licking grin that would be perfect for pretending to care about people shopping for cheap, made-in-China merch.
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4. Anal Bleaching Expert
Lindsey Graham kind of looks like a bleached anus so it only seems fitting that he make anal bleaching and waxing his occupation, right?
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5. Applebee's Shift Manager
Sometimes you can't get to a decent restaurant or order the Grubhub you want. Sometimes, for example, you're forced to endure the Boomer vomitorium that is Applebee's. And if you're looking for some obsequious guy to shout at after getting your burger overcooked, Graham is just the guy. We could almost hear Lady Graham making apologies and groveling before some suburban Karens whilst secretly hating his life.
