Even though the virus that dominated the headlines, took a million American lives, and turned our entire way of life upside down in 2020 and most of 2021 appears to be winding down, Covid is by no means gone. For people who haven’t injected bleach or horse dewormer in themselves (instead opting for the so-called “weird and crazy” vaccine) catching Covid and becoming severely ill and possibly dying is not nearly as terrifying as it was before the vaccine. However, the infinite variants have increased hospitalizations and may push “the ‘Rona” to be as contagious as measles.
But long gone are the days of stimmy checks, lockdowns, and re-watching The Office for the gazillionth time with your dog or cat. Yes, those were indeed some weirdly soothing times and the new normal that most of us thought would be permanent. But now that the world economy opened back up simultaneously, it’s back to crushing capitalism with a side of hyperinflation — in addition to dealing with your stupid co-workers in person and on Zoom. Did y’all really think you were going to be able to avoid showering and not wearing pants during work meetings forever?
For those of you fortunate enough to somehow avoid ever getting “the ‘Rona,” here are eight fun and exciting ways to catch Covid before it’s gone.
Cover Photo: FilippoBacci (Getty Images)
8 ways to catch covid
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1. Lick a Random Person's Face
So you're vaxxed and boosted but realize that you still can catch Covid. What better than to lick the face of the person you just connected with via OkCupid?
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2. Hang Around ICUs
Since the ICU has pretty much been reserved for those with Covid the past couple of years, it seems like the obvious place to capture Covid. So maybe make a date night out of it, including hydroxychloroquine and a charcuterie board.
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3. Attend a Trump Rally
Seeing as the GOP is basically a death cult now, advising its own voters to avoid getting vaxxed and totally flouting all CDC instructions on avoiding spreading the disease, there's no better place to catch Covid than at a Trump rally. Even though the cult leader himself has been vaxxed and instructed his supporters to do the same, they still mostly refuse.
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4. Eat at Denny's
If there ever were a breeding ground for an infectious and fatal disease, it would be at any Denny's across America.
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5. Take Public Transit in Philly
Even though most people mask up when taking public transit in any major city, you'll need a full-blown biohazard suit to avoid getting any diseases on Philly's mass transit. If you've ever ridden on a SEPTA train, you'll know no good amount of immunity can withstand them.
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6. Sing in a Church Choir
Earlier on the pandemic, a lot of church choir singers were getting Covid and, alas, either dying or falling ill. So if you're looking for a super-spreader event to get "the 'Rona," sing about Jesus in a church choir.
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7. Hang Around a Gym
Gyms were pretty gross and sketch before we were grappling with an airborne plague. However, they just became a big old Covid crock pot during the pandemic. While most of them have re-opened, we wouldn't go to one with all the vaccines in the world. But if you're looking for a nifty and easy way to get Covid, go spot some meathead at the gym.
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8. Become a Palm Reader
Back when plague memes and anti-Covid measures were still funny, we were constantly told to avoid hand touching. Even though the threat of death and a visit to the ICU isn't as high now that we have vaccines and boosters, a surefire way of catching coronavirus is thinking the portal to someone's future is by reading their freaking palm.
