Bro’s before ho’s; pal’s before gal’s; platonic friendship before sexual intercourse; whichever phrase you wish to choose, each of them suggest that as a male you should be valuing the bond you share between other males over spending time with the opposite sex. But what are the key components of a ‘Bromance’? Here are 7 signs that you’re already in one.
1. You finish each text message to him with a kiss.
“What time do u wna meet at the pub? X” – the solitary kiss that you leave at the end of your text messages to him is a sign that you are comfortable with your sexuality. However, never leave more than two kisses, as that will suggest that you want to suck his penis.
2. You will never let his self-esteem grow.
The key factor in a bond between two heterosexual men is both parties’ unwillingness to let the other feel too good about themselves – this practise has been affectionately named “banter”. If your buddy feels particularly confident in his appearance tonight, knock him down a few pegs by telling him that his polo shirt makes him look fat.
3. You can talk to him when you are not drunk.
Men are fundamentally boring. Whereas women can discuss a myriad of things from clothing right through to their careers and love life, men have two conversation topics:
A) The poor performance of the football team they support, and
B) Their constant pursuit of sex with reasonably attractive women.
However, if you’re in a committed brolationship you can both look past your natural dullness and discuss a wide variety of other topics, such as… err…
4. You question the attractiveness of every female he does anything with.
“Did you see how fit that girl I got with last night was?” he asks. There’s that confidence of his growing again – you’d better knock him down a few pegs. “Yeah, she was nice…” you reply, “…if you like girls with alien foreheads.”
5. You have had sex with a girl whilst in the same room as each other.
Too far? Perhaps. But as voyeuristic and perverse as it may seem, you and your bro do everything together – the gym, shotting tequila and now humping. While getting involved in a devil’s threesome may take your friendship to a new, uncomfortable level (like that time he sent you two kisses at the end of a text), there’s nothing wrong with simply being in the same room as him while you’re doing the drunken dance with no pants with a girl. Well, there is something slightly wrong with it, but as long as no one found out that you did it (nor that you high-fived each other during it) then what’s the problem?
6. You have been in a position where you could have shaved off his hair… but you declined.
Bro’s in a true bromance will understand that you may mock a man’s clothes, his career and even the girl he is sleeping with, but you must never (NEVER)touch his hair. As you stand over his unconscious body at a house party, razor in hand with a crowd urging you to do it, you throw the razor to the floor, turn to the crowd and do your best Braveheart: “he may have drunk all your booze, but you will NEVER TAKE HIS HAIR!”
7. You’ve both grown comfortable with the “I love you” conversation.
Sometimes in life, when enough alcohol has passed through your system to incapacitate a small horse, you have the overwhelming urge to explain to those around you just how much they mean to you. While these conversations tend to leave you with a very awkward hangover the next morning, you and your partner in bromance engage in them so often that it’s become almost as commonplace on a night out as a 4am kebab and painful rejection.
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